Going Back to the Drawing Board

I was a planner.  The moment I learned to read and write, I started dreaming… I started planning.  I would scribble notes about my dreams and plans for my future.  I would write short-term and long-term goals.  That habit stopped when my most important plan in life got derailed. At that very moment, everything stood still, everything turned black! I told myself I am not going back to the drawing board because it is useless to plan in this chaotic world.

Why plan when nothing is predictable?  Our world today has more uncertainties than ever before; today’s world is a chaos.  We live in uncertainties – relationships, jobs, businesses.  Writing down life goals is a futile exercise; I will be content with the general fact of what I want in life - happy relationship with my kids, meaningful work, making more money.

Years passed and I received menial results from my efforts; I wasn’t going anywhere.  It finally dawned on me that my efforts are turning in mediocre results because I am not specific to what I want in life; I wasn’t planning.  Hence, I picked up my pen and paper (my iPod) and wrote down my thoughts, my plans.  I went back to my drawing board.

A clear plan encourages you to get out of bed in the morning.  It gives you a purpose; it motivates you to take action.   A specific plan is the reason why we do what we do.  A clear plan focuses us to what we want to achieve; it drives us forward to our goal.  A clear plan kills procrastination and complacency.

We suffer so much stress because of the uncertainly around us. A clear and written plan takes away our focus from our uncertain world to the certainty of our hopes and desires. A written plan makes our goals look more realistic.  As we read our plan, it gives us the will power to run after these goals and dreams despite the chaos of this world.  Our plan gives us the strength to carry on whatever hindrances we may face.  We write our plan on a paper (iPod), not on stone.  If plan A does not work, we can have plan B and so on till we reach our goal.  What is important is that we draft a plan for our goal.

Writing down your plan gives it life; it breathes the air of hope into your life.   As you put action into your plan, every small step gives you a feeling that you are making progress.  This is the air of hope that gives you the feeling that you are getting closer to your goal no matter how small the step may be.   You start to feel good about yourself and get more encouraged and more determined to achieve your goal.  This small step is more powerful than the actual achievement of your goal because it is this small step that propelled you to reach your goal.

Writing down your plan focuses your energy into something productive.   Writing down a plan takes your mind off the negative thoughts – worrying about things that you can’t control.  We easily get distracted by chaos around us – gossips in the office, relationship issues, problems at home.  Writing down your plan will take your mind away from these negative thoughts and focus your energy into something more beneficial for your future.

Writing down your plan helps you go through the tough times in life.  No one is exempted from the tough times in life.  Fame, fortune, beauty nor health cannot shield you from the facts of life - tough times. Losing a job, divorce, financial crisis, relationship issue or even the daily troubles at home can ruin your future.  But if you have your plan well written, you can set your sight in the future and make the present a little more bearable.  You can say to your present situation that it is a challenge, an opportunity to make your future better and brighter.  Your plan will remind you that this tough moment will make you a stronger and better person. You will overcome it because you have a goal to achieve.

Writing down your plan helps you go through the tough times in life.  I realized this much later, but I am glad I did.  I am glad that I am now back in my drawing board.

A Champion

Life is all about choices.  Within each one of us resides two persons – the victim and the champion.   Which one would you choose to be?  Being a single mom doesn’t automatically make you a victim; you can choose to be a champion (if you are not yet a champion).  I have met a lot of single moms and they are all champions.  Check out the traits of these champion single moms.

 

A champion is resilient.  No matter what negative things life throws at a champion, she keeps bouncing back.  She may lie down for awhile after the blow, but she sure will stand up and continue the fight.  A champion uses the experience to harness her power and begin to create the life she desires amidst the hardships. She is like a beach ball that when pressed down in the water, the harder is the force exerted that makes the beach ball rise above the water.  

 

A champion is an action woman.  She thinks, plans, and makes a move.  She always has a purpose and a sense of urgency.  She doesn’t sit on her dreams or issues.  She acts on them and makes sure she implements something everyday that will take her closer to her goal.

 

A champion is persistent.  Life presents a lot of issues, rejections, and delays.  Despite all these hindrances, a champion persists.  She keeps knocking on the door, taking alternative courses of action till she reaches her goal.  Her battle cry is “Never say no”.  She regards the hindrances as opportunities that will take her one step closer to her goal.  She always thinks, “What if my goal is just one more step away.  She dreads the thought of what will happen if she did not give up.  Thus, she keeps trying and keeps on pursuing.

 

A champion is a focused positive thinker.  She agrees with Napoleon Hill’s expression, “What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve”.  You just need to focus on what you want your body to do and it will follow.  A champion focuses on the positive things, on the solution.  She does not dwell on the problems because if you focus on the problem it will be magnified.  But if you focus on the solution, you will solve your problem.  Your mind will keep on thinking of the solution and magnify it till it solves the problem. If you focus on how you want to live your life, your mind will block out things that distracts you from our goal.

 

An ideal trait of a champion is that she is disciplined.  She designs a regimen for her success and she does it religiously.  If her formula is to start her day with a prayer followed by exercise then an uninterrupted three hour work on her computer for her internet marketing business, she does it without fail.  We become what we repeatedly do.  If you want to maintain a healthy mind and body, you discipline yourself to eat the right food and the right quantity coupled with exercise.  Without discipline, you will not achieve what you want in life.  Without discipline, you can never be a champion.

Letting Go

It is so difficult to let go.  As a single mom, one of the most difficult to let go is your child’s independence.  From babies to toddlers, we were deciding everything for our kids.  We choose their food, clothes to wear, friends to be with and more.  There were times in the past when I wished that I don’t have to be asked, “Mom, what shall I wear?”  I guess these were times when I was just too exhausted to even talk.

 

As kids grow older, consultation talks become lesser. This then is the moment when we miss being asked even the menial things.  When kids grow older, they would want to have their independence.  They choose their hair style, clothes, food and most specially, friends.  When this happens our immediate reaction is to hold back.  It becomes difficult for us to give them this independence for fear that they might make mistakes. It becomes difficult for us letting go.

 

But we need to let go of this fear and give our children the independence they deserve.  This independence will help them become mature.  Our role is to guide our children in learning to trust their internal guidance system.  This internal guidance system is an individual’s instinct which directs the individual to know what is best for him and what makes him happy.

 

Thus, your child will pick friends that he emulates and enjoys being with.  The result of such   relationships may be positive or negative so it is important to teach your child to be aware and be expectant of the results, whatever they may be.  You need to teach them to be conscious of who they are and what they truly want because peer pressure can cloud their understanding. 

 

Friendships are learning tools for your child.  Friendships help your child experience different aspects of themselves, bringing out different facets of his personality.   Children, just like adults, can more clearly define who they want to be by experiencing the opposite of who they are.

 

One of the most valuable relationships that our children can develop is friendships.  Friendships teach our children to share, to listen, to give, to sacrifice, and to be supportive to others. Friendships open the eyes of our children to the reality of the world around them.  They learn the value of give-and-take in human relationships away from the family hierarchy.

Allowing your child to choose his friends will help him become independent and will open the door for you to guide your child as he experience a multitude of emotions.  His relationship with friends will immerse him into the dramas of life - fun, joy, hurt and betrayals.  Whatever experience and emotions his chosen relationship may bring, your child will learn one way or the other from his friends; so, do not fear letting go.

Don't Stop Dreaming

Not age, not circumstances, should make you stop dreaming.  Don’t stop dreaming… live your dream.  You might have given up on your dream because of family priorities.  But at one point in your life, you must dream again and not face the consequence of what if – what if I pressed on to reach my dream?  What would I have become?



Keep on believing that one day you will become what you want to be – a great writer, a painter, a musician or a doctor.  Reminisce your childhood days when you played make believe as a doctor, a teacher, a musician.  Keep rehearing these in your mind and relive the enthusiasm you once had. Studies show that people who don’t stop dreaming are more creative, impassioned, energetic, connected to others and engaged in the world.  

Listen to your heart. Realization of your dream may be as close as the longing you feel in your heart.  Allow your restlessness to keep you looking toward the horizon… toward your dream. It doesn’t matter if it has been decades since you last paid attention to your dream.  What is important is that it is still there, waiting to be nourished again; waiting for the doorway to a wonderful new discovery. 
 

Find some time to be by yourself to reflect. Lean back in your chair, undisturbed.  Close your eyes, open your mind and just flow with your thoughts.  Take several slow, deep breaths to allow that still  small voice within you to speak. Just listen to it and allow your mind to flow waiting for a guide, a blueprint of what you need to do.  This still small voice will remind and guide you to the power of your dream.  
 

As you once again get excited, beware of inner critics that can dampen your renewed enthusiasm. These inner critics may come from your well meaning friends, family members and even yourself.  Friends and family members want the best for you, but in the end they are not you and their advice is based on their experience nor your longing, not your desire. Quiet any doubt and fear from your mind.   
 

Then you will be able to follow your impulse.  If  you suddenly feel the impulse to hold your paintbrushes again, dust off the cobwebs from your piano, read through your notebook of ideas about a novel or business venture; then just do it! Success is the thin line that separates those who just think from those who find the courage to take action.  As you take action, you will encounter challenges along the road but you will feel a new level of joy and a sense of fulfillment  that you are being true to yourself.

Do not deprive yourself or your dream.  Dreams open up many possibilities and opportunities that you never have thought of.

Inspirations

Have you ever had a bad hair day?  No matter how you try, a dark raining cloud just keeps following you.  Such days can just zap out your energy.  When these days happen, I would just sit down and reflect on my inspirations.

 

These men and women went through several trials but were able to conquer and achieve their dreams.  For their exploits, I am truly grateful as they give me inspirations to face my own trials and tribulations.

 

Steve Jobs willingly took enormous risks.  He could have disappeared from history books after leaving Apple amidst dissention with his colleagues.  He however turned his adversity into an opportunity; thus, making him an innovator of entrepreneurial business model.

 

The first black president of the United States was raised by a single mother.  Like any normal kid, he had issues growing up without a father but this did not stop him from excelling in academics and politics.

 

Stevie Wonder has been blind since birth.  This physical handicap did not deter him from becoming a world renowned singer and song writer.  He received 22 Grammy awards during his 51 year music career; this being the most number of awards received by a single male recording artist.

 

Superman, Christopher Reeve, after being thrown from a horse was paralyzed from the neck down.  Though his initial reaction was depression to the point of contemplating suicide, he found inspiration while undergoing physical and occupation rehabilitation.  This inspiration lead him to found the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation and resulted to him being named TIME Person of the Year.

 

Though deft by the age of 26, Ludwig van Beethoven composed influential pieces, most notable of which is the Ninth Symphony.  The Ninth Symphony is regarded as one of the greatest works of music ever written.

 

Another deaf inspiration is Marlee Matlin.  An actress, she appeared in popular television shows like The West Wing, Desperate Housewives, Law and Order and ER.  She received an Academy Award for Best Actress for her role in the movie Children of a Lesser God.  She was also awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2009.  This deaf actress shattered people’s preconceived notions of what deafness must mean for a person’s future.  She inspired people with physical challenges to dream like any normal human being.

 

Do you think it is all laughter for Jim Carrey, the comedian?  Think again… when Jim was 12 years old, his father lost his job.  They lived in a van for a number of years.  Jim took a job, working 8 hour shift after school. 

 

One of the richest persons in the United Kingdom who owns the Virgin group of brands, including a record label, an airline and the mobile company struggled with dyslexia.  He performed poorly on tests and specialists assumed that he will not go far in his career. Richard Branson proved them all wrong, as street smarts can conquer the world of business.

 

One inspiration very close to my heart is Oprah Winfrey.  She was born to a teenage single mother in impoverished rural Mississippi.  From utter poverty, Oprah rose to be one of the most influential women in the world.

 

Another inspiration very close to my heart is J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter. Rowling confessed that seven years after graduating from Exeter, she felt like the world’s biggest failure -- no job, no money, no marriage and no real hope of anything changing. Her first Harry Potter novel was rejected by a dozen publishers before finding one that paid her a small advance and agreed to publish it. The rest is history. I am deeply inspired by what she said, “Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged.”

 

There you have it… my inspirations when gloomy days cloud my being.

How to Handle Fear

How do you handle fear?  Are you like the Cowardly Lion in the classic film, “Wizard of Oz” who believes that his life will better if he is the king of the forest?  He believes that if he were a king, he would be fearless in the face of danger. 

Fear and courage are different.  As a Christian, I love this quote “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the presence of God.” A Christian cancer patient may fear for her life but will be courageous in facing her future because she knows that God is with her.  Fear is and emotion, an instinct we feel when we are in danger.  Despite this emotion, we may be able to courageously face the danger.  In fact, some courageous acts take place despite of fear.  A mother raced through a burning house to save her child. 

I don’t think we can ever get rid of fear, but we can master fear so that it does not negatively impact our life.

So, how can you master fear?  How can you control it?  How can you use fear to your advantage?

You need to discover the foundation of your fear.  Why do you have these fearful thoughts? In most cases, fear resides in feelings rather than facts.  Carefully evaluate your emotions to figure out where your fear is coming from.  I’ve counseled a number of single moms who fear being alone to care for their children.  They fear that money will not be enough to support their kids.  Fear consumed them to the point that they were close to depression. But with a support group and guidance from mentors these single moms are now able to provide a comfortable life for their family.  Fear is more of a feeling, not a fact. Do not be deceived.

Do not focus on your fear; focus on what you can control.  You can’t control people’s attitude but you can control yours.  Though you have done your best to keep your marriage, you can’t control your husband’s feelings and decisions.   It is not what happens to you that is important but what happens in you.  Staying married is a decision of two people.  If you end up in an unfortunate situation like divorce, do not fear.  Focus on what you can control.  Focus on what you can learn and achieve from this unfortunate event in your life.  You have the power to turn it into something good as long as you control your attitude and become optimistic. Do not be overcome by this fear of being alone but be optimistic.  Evaluate your assets and how to use these to build a better future for you and your kids.

Use fear to your advantage.  Have you heard of the woman who was able to carry her sick mom who is twice her weight?  That was adrenalin working!  Their house was on fire and she needed to carry her mom to safety.  If you want to develop, to grow, to be progressive, you have to constantly battle fear.  Just like the rush of adrenalin when in danger, overcoming fear will give you strength and self confidence.  That self-confidence grows after every victory over your fear bringing you closer to your goal.

Our body is made up of trillions of living cells.  When we don’t feed our body well, these cells may turn bad, taking over our system, making us sick.  Same is true for fear and courage.  These two are within our system and we can’t purge either one of them. But we can weaken the emotion of fear by starving it.  Do not feed fear; do not allow fear to enter your thoughts and influence your decision-making.  Starve fear, nourish hope. Positive, inspiring, and optimistic thoughts will fuel powerful emotions of hope and excitement which will take over the emotion of fear.  Nourish these positive thoughts, think of them often, visualize them, talk about them with friends. Feed hope and you will be able to handle your fear!

Life Lessons from Troy

Today, I am in the mood again to blog about another movie I love.  I had a rare opportunity last week to watch the 2004 movie “Troy” top billed by Brad Pitt as Achilles, Eric Bana as Hector and Orlando Bloom as Paris.  They are all great actors and Brad Pitt did justice in his portrayal of Achilles.  His well-sculptured body is a testament of a warrior demi-god.  He is so becoming of his character, Achilles!

Ladies, I am not here to talk about Brad Pitt (Achilles) and how he makes most ladies (me included, when I was young), scream with thrill.  I am here to talk about some life lessons I learned from this classic tale. 

Do not listen to your heart alone when making a decision; think. Paris and Helen were overcome with passion.  The result of their decision based on heart alone caused the destruction of a lot of lives and the destruction of Troy.

Honor.  After Hector 'accidentally' kills Patroclus (by mistaking him as Achilles) he is later to fight Achilles one-on-one. Although he felt that he would most likely be slain in the battle, he still goes out and faces his opponent for the “honour of Troy”. In our present world, we seldom see “honour” in action.  This is a good reminder that our values should include “honour” that we may live in a more upright and peaceful society.

Burn your dead.  Metaphorically speaking, forget about the past; bury your past. You can’t control the past, nor can you control the future.  You can only work on the present, so just forget your past so you can move on.

Do not pretend.   Achilles’ cousin, Patroclus, gets killed by Hector while pretending to be Achilles.  Do not pretend or you will end us as dead meat.  If you have problems and issues in life, ask for help. Attend support groups, seek counselors, talk to your family.  Courage is being able to admit that you can’t handle your problems and admitting that you need help.

Life is a challenge.  You need to have short term and long term plans. There’s a guy right in front of you with a spear in his hand; there could be a guy way up ahead with a bow. You need to be prepared for the challenges in life.  Do not get surprised with the challenges in life.  There are a lot; so be prepared.

Nothing is absolute; not even the walls of Troy. No one can predict what will happen in the future.  Financial analysts can give an indication of the future of stocks and other investments but they can be wrong.  All things fall; stocks, businesses, civilizations and even relationships. You should always have an exit strategy; a back door exit that will help you move out of a mess and create a new beginning.