Confidence of a Single Mom

Going through divorce and becoming a single mom is devastating.  One of the worst effects of this situation is the woman’s lost of self confidence. As we mourn and grieve over our situation, we punish ourselves and claim all the faults.  We put all the blame on us. We throw a pity party. As a result we lose our self confidence and when this happens, the more we will be in deep trouble. When we lose our self confidence we will not be able to rise above the issues we are facing.

Self confidence gives a person strength and the power to rise above the problems in life.  Life is a journey.  It is like walking on a road where there are different pavements – some are rough, some are smooth and some go uphill and some downhill.  It is important that as we go through these different pavements, we learn to maneuver and become better travelers.

You sabotage yourself when you put all the blame on yourself, when you wallow in pity, when you complain, when you blame other people. Instead of bathing into all these negative attitudes and lose your self confidence, you must imbibe positive attitudes.

Self confidence requires daily pep talk.  You need to daily proclaim that you are capable to accomplishing great things.  What the mind and heart can perceive, you can achieve. As you gain the strength and grow muscles of positive thinking you will be able to conceptualize ways to achieve what you have envisioned.  You will gain the enthusiasm to read books, enroll in courses, look for mentors and coaches. 

To develop self confidence you must learn to love yourself. Do not be too hard on yourself.  Don’t punish yourself for the past.  What is done is done.  Punishing yourself will not correct the errors or make the past right. Forgive yourself for the bad past; forgive the people who were part of your past. Accept who you are including your faults and your weaknesses.  Acknowledge these and find ways to improve yourself.

To develop self-confidence you must associate with people who are confident.  You need to associate with these people so that their self-confidence will rub on you.  You will likewise be able to be in their core of influence and will meet people who are like minded and will be able to help you. Being in the company of confident and positive people will change your perspective and you will start to define problems as challenges and opportunities, of which they truly are.

Spend time with people who have good and positive things to say to you and about you.  Make sure you look for people who are honest in their opinion and have a bright perspective in life. Be with people who boost your morale and confidence. 

Stop worrying and put fear away from your system.  Ninety percent of the things we worry do not happen, so stop torturing yourself and focus on the positive side of life and regain your confidence.

Do You Feel Responsible?

Do you feel responsible for what happens in your life? Or do you believe that what happens in your life is outside your control? Do you feel you cannot do anything about it?

I can’t emphasize it more…the life of a single mom is difficult. At the initial stage there will be a lot of passing on the blame.  You blame the environment, your family, your ex and everything else except you. Have you ever considered that you were part of the problem? Have you considered that you were responsible for what has taken place? It could be that you were not responsible for the entire situation but you took part in it. You are responsible for allowing yourself to be a victim. You are responsible for not  taking action or immediately taking an action. You are responsible for your response.

Psychologists say that people who take responsibility for what happens in their life inhibit the internal locus of control, while those who blame others when something goes wrong in their life inhibit the external locus of control. Research reveals that people who inhibit the internal locus of control or those who take a personal responsibility on what happens in their life are more content. They are able to move on after the bad event. They are likely to learn from the bad things that happened in their life; they grow, mature and improve. They become stronger in facing the struggles in life and become a source of inspiration to others. They are able to impact the lives of other people; not just their own families.

To take responsibility for what happens in your life is a choice; it is one of the many choices that life offers.  Taking responsibility for what happens in your life doesn’t mean that you are in control of your life. No human being can be in control of everything. Only God is in control of everything.

To take responsibility means being responsible for yourself and the choices that you make. It means being responsible for your actions in the specific situation you are in. To take responsibility means acknowledging your mistakes and learning from these mistakes.

Do not put the blame on other people for what has happened to you. Rather, acknowledge that you had a part in it. Regardless of the degree of your participation, you took part in it. Learn to accept the responsibility for the things you can control. This will accelerate your learning process. This will accelerate the true healing process. This will help you forgive and will help you move on. 

Help Your Kids Become Successful

If there is one thing common to all moms, it is the fact that we all want our kids to be successful.  The success of our kids is the desire of any normal parent.  It is not enough that we wish and pray for their success.  You need to help your kids become successful. You need to teach them how to become successful.  As I always say, when teaching a child you need to start them young. 

Help your kids become successful by encouraging them to dream. Motivate your child to dream and plan the way to the fulfillment of that dream. Help him to prepare a roadmap for success. A good plan will not ensure one’s success unless the plan is implemented. Be his accountability partner in following that plan.  

Help your kids become successful by teaching them to stand on their own.  Don’t do everything for them or don’t give them everything they want. They must take part in the work at home, be responsible for the tasks assigned to them and be accountable should there be issues on the responsibilities assigned to them.  If they have been asking you for a toy or a gadget, tell them that they have to earn it.  Either they work for you or they work for a neighbor or somebody else.  Do not always be their knight in shining armor.  Allow them to experience hardship and to stand on their own. 

Help your kids become successful by teaching them the value of discipline.  They must have discipline in their studies. Encourage them to study their lessons as education is one of the tools they need to become successful.   

Help your kids become successful by teaching them respect.  Teach them to respect other’s opinion. Teach them to be courteous and to listen when somebody is talking. When you respect people they will like you more and will most likely support you in your endeavor. 

Being respectful will help your kids develop their listening skills, a very important component of success.  When we listen, we gain wisdom from wise and experienced people. Listening also develops another important ingredient to success – patience.  Patience is a virtue.  Patience will lead us to success because patience will help us to wait for the right moment and therefore avoid any move or action that could be detrimental to one’s success.  

Helping your kids become successful is like managing a business.  A business is expected grow and prosper.  To make this possible, we need to invest in a business.  The way we act and speak, how we dress, how we treat ourselves and how we respond to others will determine the  success  of our business.  

If we invest in a business, the more that we must invest in helping our kids become successful.  We must nourish, teach, encourage, and guide our kids so that they will seek to be well-informed before making choices and be able to make sound decisions. We need to ensure that how we act and speak to our children, how we treat and respond to them will be in ways that will contribute to their success.

Say Goodbye to Disappointment

Disappointment is a fact of life.  You may even experience being disappointed everyday.  Bad luck may seem to invite even more bad luck causing your disappointment to escalate – your coffee maker gets busted, on your way to the office your car broke down, you lost a client, etc.  Though disappointment is a fact of life, you don’t have to let it own you.  You should be able to say goodbye to disappointment.  You should find a way to get by. How? 

 

Be sure you have a network of support.  Your network could be your family and friends.  They are there to help you improve your self control and become your accountability partner.  When bad news strikes you can call your support group to simply share the bad news.  They will then give valuable insights on how you should handle the disappointment.  They will be your accountability partner to ensure that you are practicing proper handling of disappointments. 

 

They will be there (physically, if needed), they will be listening and they will be positive.  Your support group provides a shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes disappointment is best handled just be telling it to someone.  That someone else does not have to do anything, but listen.  When your support group talks, it should only be positive.  The worst thing to hear when your are disappointed is a negative comment.  If you get a bad report from your doctor, you wouldn’t want to hear your support group say that the statistics of those dying from cancer is 80%.  You must be choosy of your support group.  They must be people who can provide positive words and encouragement when you are disappointed.  They should be able to give you a pep talk and advice.

 

One of the best ways to handle disappointment is to commune with God. Studies reveal that people who are more spiritual are able to handle disappointments better than those who do not have a relationship with God.  Pray because God answers prayers.  Sometimes the answer may not be what you are asking for, sometimes the answer does not come when you want it.  But God is an all knowing God.  He knows what is best for you and that is what He provides.

Saying goodbye to disappointment does not happen overnight.  It takes practice to perfect any endeavor.  When you feel disappointed, force a smile on your face.  Though this will not erase your disappointment your ability to control your outward appearance is the start of your ability to control your reaction to a disappointing circumstance in your life.

Say goodbye to disappointment and do not let it ruin your life.  Life is like a roller coaster; there are ups and downs.  If it were not for these ups and downs you wouldn’t know the difference of being happy and being in control of your disappointments.

 

Perseverance

Perseverance is a huge word with huge potential to help our children succeed.  Teaching perseverance to children is difficult especially when you are a single mom. In most cases, your words will fall on deaf ears because their attention is elsewhere.  And as they mature, their ears are more attuned to the advice of their peers.  They may look respectful by keeping their eyes on you (and may appear to be attentively listening) as you lecture them, but do not be deceived; their thoughts are elsewhere.

However as a single mom, you must do everything in your capacity to nurture you children to become the best that they can be.  Teaching them to be persistent is one of the best ways to help them become successful.

Probably one of the world’s most admired speeches was the one given by Winston Churchill to the graduating students of Oxford University. This speech is most remembered because of its brevity and impact. The speech was very concise and it left the students dumbfounded. Its brevity left the students thinking deeper into its meaning and the richness of its content. Winston Churchill went up the rostrum amidst the cheering crowd, cleared his throat and in a strong, firm voice shouted “Never give up!” He paused for a few seconds studying the anticipating crowd, then shouted again “Never give up!” He then stepped down from the rostrum satisfied that he was able to impart to the graduating students the message they needed to succeed. If Winston Churchill did not develop a connection with these graduating students, do you think his three-word speech would have made an impact?

Nurturing your children to become the best that they can be requires connecting with them.  Connecting with your children starts from their young age.  That means you need to invest in time.  Spend time with them nurturing them to persevere in life.

Spend time with them explaining the meaning of perseverance; that perseverance means not giving up but hanging on. Say for instance that you are persevering in teaching them. That no matter how long it takes or how many repetitions it takes, you will not give up on them. Practice what you preach; model it. Before you begin a task, make sure that your child overhears you say “I will succeed”, “I will persevere”. Example is the best teacher.

When they work hard to accomplish say a lesson, point out that that is perseverance. Help them  to focus on their goal.  They may fail, say in a school examination, but encourage them to keep studying their lessons.  In fact, help them in their lesson.  Teach them that they need to persevere to get good grades, finish their education to have a good job or a good business.

Increase your child’s positive phrases – “I can do it!”, “I’ll try again”, “I won’t quit”, “I will manage”, “I will not give up”, “I will overcome”. Encouragement and motivation is just like taking a bath. You need to encourage and motivate your child daily to help him persevere.

Make sure that your family’s motto is “Try and try until you succeed”. Remind them that winners never quit; quitters do not win.

Make sure that your kids are growing in an environment of persistence. Persistence will help you nurture your children to be the best that they can be.

Women Helping Women

Women helping women or shall I specifically say single moms
helping single moms. Who else can better understand us but those who have gone through the same challenges as we have? Some may offer help and encouragement but whatever advice they give will just be theories learned in school. Psychologist,
therapists, counselors will only be putting into words what they’ve heard from their professors and what they've read from books; but single moms who have successfully surpassed the challenge will be able to help better because their words, their wisdom is coming from experience.

Likewise, women helping women will be more effective because women are, by nature, nurturers. We instinctively nourish and nurture people we are in contact with. We are more relational; we invest in time to talk, to listen, and be with the person we are helping. Women relate not just to the person with problem but to her entire family and community. Women are intentional in developing their relationships with other women. As such they create more love, guidance and support for each other.

While logic may be used by other support groups and the opposite sex, women would always know how to respond to a woman’s wounded heart. They have the patience to just listen and keep listening even when the stories they hear are almost the same. A woman is not ashamed to show emotions. Women would cry
together. While other people may be oblivious to the seriousness of a single mom’s pain, single mothers are not. Just by the look on the face, the eyes and the sound of their voice, a single mom would know what the other woman is feeling and experiencing.

When women bond together and form a community, the achievements that follow is enormous. The impact of the community of women helping women extends beyond their group. When women bond together their creativity, imagination, increased strength and capability results to activities that impact society, the country and the world. When women bond together they achieve more than they ever imagined possible.

As the Bible speaks of older women teaching younger women, single moms can better help the women who have just began their journey as single moms. Women understand women better; single moms understand single moms better. When women help, teach, encourage, and pray for each other they enrich their lives with relationships that feed their souls. They find friendship and encouragement. They find someone who believes in them and will invest in them to help them rise above their challenges and make a mark in the world. 

All Things Will Pass

“All things will pass”, this is  always the reply of my friend, Leah, when asked the question about her and her children’s situation.  There will be a rainbow after the storm.

Leah is now almost in her 50s, a single mom to 4 children – the eldest a boy and 3 girls.  Her son and second eldest child are now studying and at the same time working in New Zealand while her 2 other daughters are living with her.  She plans to settle down in New Zealand with all her children very soon.

Leah is an upbeat person, you will not have a hint that she is has problems.  Leah is a licensed customs broker and used to work for a huge multinational company.  She later left her job and put up her own customs brokerage firm.  I can’t recall when exactly it happened.  All I can remember is that I never thought that Leah was having problems with her husband till the husband left without a word.

Leah’s youngest daughter was still a baby then.  So Leah was left to take care of her children and strive to keep her business afloat.  During those early years, her business was not doing very well.  But thanks to friends’ help who were giving referrals ,she was able to sustain her business to support her family. Leah will work night and day just to feed her children, send them to school and provide them shelter.

To keep costs to a minimum, Leah is the sales person, customs’ processor and collector.  She would be taking paper works at home so she could look after her children.  Sometimes, she will be taking her children to work so she could have “bonding” time with them.  Just like most single moms, Leah, was not free of parenting issues.  Her children, most especially the eldest, kept on asking for the father.  There were times when the boy will insist that he will go away to look for the father.  At times, he will blame Leah for their broken family.  But in all these circumstances, Leah’s response was “All things will pass.”

Indeed, all things will pass.  All things will come to an end and what a jubilation when all these bad things have passed. Apart from the customs brokerage business, Leah was able to open a complementary business, trucking services.  She is almost done with her doctoral studies and is serving as a dean in a university.

Single moms, all things will pass.  Just keep your eye on your goal, keep praying and keep working.