Forgive

It is human nature to be vengeful when hurt.  Our first impulse is to get back physically and through our words when we get hurt.  We think that this is a sort of self defense; that if we retaliate we will feel better and the pain will go away. We think that if we do not forgive the person who hurt us, we will cause damage or hurt the person back. But when we think deeply, we will realize that unforgiveness is detrimental to our health and it will not have any effect on the person who hurt us.

There is no question about it.  The gravity of the sufferings of single mothers causes us to feel that it is impossible to forgive.  But if we do not try and learn to forgive, how can we have a better life? How can we move on?  If we do not choose to forgive, we continue to suffer.

One of the things that motivated me to forgive is my desire to have a better life for me and my kids.  I know that my unforgiving heart will soon lead me to sickness.  And if I get sick, who will take care of my children?

The feelings of sadness, anger and hurt were causing me sleepless nights.  They were tormenting me, making me cry day and night.  I could think of nothing but the pain. Sadness, anger and hurt were doing nothing but burn inside of me giving me a cynical attitude. I realized that the only person suffering was me.  And if I don’t put a stop to this, unforgiveness will destroy me completely and my children will be gravely affected.

I realized that I have a choice. I can choose to forgive.  Forgiving will give me the opportunity to move on.  Forgiveness will give my heart a space to find freedom and light. Forgiveness will allow me to think clearly and enable me to focus on my family’s future.

When I learned to forgive, my world changed.  I became a new and better person. I became free and happy.

I Learned From My Children

Single parenting is not only difficult; it is overwhelming as we put on our different hats everyday. We bring home the baon. We are the bodyguard, nurse, comforter, cook, maid, driver, tutor and everything else under the sun.  Thus, we need to learn as much as we can to help us fulfill our multiple roles. We read books, we join organizations, we listen to friends and family.  But, I can attest to you that one of the best mentors I have are my kids.  I learned from children.

I may not have learned how to earn money, cook or drive from my kids; but I did learn how to have a positive outlook in life from my children.

My children helped me to forgive.  Their innocent acceptance of living in a one-parent home gave me the courage to accept my own situation as a single mom.  I do not find in them a single trace of bitterness and this has helped me a lot to move on, forgive and accept our fate.  When I accepted my situation and learned to forgive, I gained the courage and strength to wear my multiple hats everyday. 

My children taught me never to lose my sense of appreciation. I couldn’t provide them a lot of toys but this deprivation never saddened my kids.  Actually, it was I who cried when I saw my little boy stare at his playmate’s new remote car toy.  When his playmate left with his toy, my boy happily played with his own plastic toy car.  My children may not have many fancy toys but they appreciate what they have.  Simple toys delight them.  Being contented with simple things is one of the keys to happiness.

I learned from my children that crying heals. My kids and I talk a lot and we talk about anything under the sun; love included.  So when my eldest was experiencing what she thought was love and felt heartbroken, she cried her heart to me.  I told her to stop crying but she simply replied that she just wants to cry because it makes her feel better.  Adults hate to cry; actually, we are ashamed to cry.  We should learn from our kids; crying will make us feel better. Crying is medicinal.  It helps us release our emotional pain and it is healthy. Research says that tears can be a way of flushing negative chemicals from our body. Basal tears, layer of protective fluid covering our eyeballs, contain lysozyme which is a powerful and fast acting antibacterial and anti-viral agent.

I thought that the best way to shield myself from harm was to quit talking and keep away from people. My children taught me that I can speak up.  I can speak up but keep my composure and be respectful. We are a normal family we argue at times.  I remember my little boy raising his hands to tell me that he wants to be heard; that he disagrees with my choice of clothing for him but he respects my choice because I am the one who will pay the bill.

My children taught me to love and trust again. They love me so dearly and trust me to always be there for them.  I learned from this childlike behavior that I too can love and trust my heavenly father because he is always there for me.  Though I do not understand the complexity of life, Jesus Christ knows everything from beginning till the end and I can trust Him because I know that He loves me and cares for me.

I learned from my children a very valuable lesson.  I learned from my children how to have a positive outlook in life.

Healthy Babies

You are young and you recently gave birth to a healthy baby.  But how can you raise him and keep him healthy now that you are a lone parent, a single mom? 

Babies can cause you too much stress.  Some cry a lot and you can’t find ways to keep them quiet or at least make them sleep. Actually babies would feel what the mother is feeling so if your baby is always crying, he may sense that you are unhappy.  When you are with your baby, focus on him alone.  Forget about your other issues.  This way you will enjoy your time with you baby and will enable you to raise a healthy baby. A happy baby will destress you and enable you to plan and think of how best to handle your new role.

It is important that you establish connection with your baby.  The moment a baby is born, he establishes connection, sorts and categorizes information.  He is in a new environment and he tries to process his new surroundings. He will not immediately respond to your words during the first few weeks of birth but do not be dismayed.  Soon, you will enjoy playing with your baby.

At age one month you can start engaging with your baby's senses. Touch and massage him to help him recognize your touch.  This will comfort him and make him feel secured.  You will notice that when he is crying and another person will touch or carry him, he may not stop crying.  But when you take him, he will relax and stop crying. Though his vision is not yet clear, he will start to grab colorful objects that you show him.  He will be attracted to sounds and this is the best time to call him to enable him to recognize your voice.

Your baby’s personality will start to develop at age one to two months.  At this stage, they depend on others to initiate interaction.  They will respond to your coos and smiles. At age three, they start initiating interaction through facial expressions, vocalizations and gestures. At age three to four months, they can squeal with delight and laugh aloud.

It is crucial that you play with your baby to enable you to raise a healthy child.  Though couple parenting is an ideal situation, you can still raise great kids even if you are a single mom as long as you give your utmost attention to your child. 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in the world, most specially to the single moms.

I never stopped anticipating this day because even when my kids were young, they make this day super special for me.  This day excites me because I am curious as to what surprises I will receive as my kids' token of their love and appreciation for me.  Don’t get me wrong, everyday they tell me they love me but on Mother’s Day, they do something extra special to make me feel that love.

My gratitude goes to the ladies who started Mother’s Day.  Probably if they did not, my kids would have beaten them into starting this revolution of showing gratitude to mothers.

There is no question about it, women are tough.  Throughout history, we’ve been fighting for our rights and our rightful place in the sand. Even the celebration of Mother’s Day could not have been realized without the courage of women.

In 1872, an activist, writer and poet, Julia Ward Howe fought for an official celebration of Mother’s Day in the United States of America.  She lobbied for an International Mother’s Day on which women would unite in opposing war in all its forms.  Women, mothers, we are only for peace and love. Despite her tireless efforts, Mother’s Day celebration was not officially decreed till 1914.

In 1907 Anna Jarvis started a campaign to officially recognize Mother’s Day. Her zeal to honor mothers was borne from her desire to give tribute to her own mother, Ann Maria Reeves Jarvis. Mrs. Jarvis founded Mother’s Day Work Clubs in five cities in West Virginia to improve health and sanitary conditions. These clubs also cared for soldiers, providing them food, clothing, shelter and healing their wounds. Anna succeeded in her efforts and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson officially declared a national day in celebration of Mother’s Day.

However, business opportunist started commercializing the celebration of Mother’s Day.  Instead of a day commemorating mothers’ love and honoring mothers for their tireless and enduring work for their families and communities, it simply became a busy day where people would go out to buy gifts and flowers for mothers.  It became more of a materialistic celebration.  Thus, Anna and her sister Ellsinore campaigned against Mother’s Day.  They spent time and money campaigning against this wrong celebration of Mother’s Day till their death.  Unsuccessful, they died broke. Anna did not marry and never became a mother herself.

Since the inception of Mother’s Day in 1914, this day has been relentlessly expanding. At the time of Anna’s death in 1948 more than 40 countries were celebrating Mother’s Day. This number keeps growing and today there are over 70 countries celebrating Mother’s Day.

My only hope is that people will celebrate Mother’s Day for the true reasons of love and care as envisioned by Anna.  I hope that Mother’s Day will be a celebration of love, hope, strength, courage and wisdom as this is what mothers embody.   

Happy Mother’s Day to all single mothers.  You deserve an accolade!

A Day in the Life of a Single Mom

Are you exhausted? What is your typical day like?  How do you rate your day? Did you have a stressful day in the office and combated traffic to get home? Are you lucky than most single moms because you can work from home? How do you describe a day in the life of a single mom?

A single mom gets up early in the morning; that is, if she ever had any sleep at all.  A single mom doesn’t have help in nursing her baby whose eating and sleeping hours are far from normal.  In my case, I have two kids.  I nurse a baby and need to prepare my eldest for school. I prepare her breakfast, bathe her, get her dressed and ready for school.

When she’s been picked-up by her school bus, I need to hurry with housework – clean the house, take out the garbage and finish the laundry.  While doing all these stuff, I am praying and hoping that my baby will not wake up and allow me to finish these duties.  If I am lucky, he wakes up when I am done and I then feed him and clean him up.  Time flies and I’ve forgotten to eat my breakfast.

No problem, lunch is soon approaching.  I quickly prepared a sandwich for lunch and grabbed quick bites in between checking and answering my emails. Today I am lucky because my son slept longer than usual and I was able to do some work online to keep cash coming for the next week.  How I wish I could work longer to pay off my debts and leave enough money for our basic needs of food, shelter and my kid’s school.  Anyway, today is still a good day as I was able to work undisturbed for four hours.

By three in the afternoon, I heard the sweet yell of my little girl who is back from school, "Mom, I'm home, I'm hungry".  I prepared a quick snack, talked to her about school and helped her with her home work.  She is such a darling as she looked after his baby brother as I prepared our dinner.

After dinner, I bathe my kids and tucked them to bed.  Once sound asleep, I washed the dishes and took a quick shower.  By now it is almost ten in the evening.  Sleepy and exhausted, I forced myself to keep my focus as I need to catch up with my online work to keep cash coming in.

I think I've been working for two hours when my baby cried for milk.  So I had to take a break from work to attend to the hungry pangs of my baby.  This day, I am unusually lucky because my baby slept again after gulping a bottle of milk.  There were nights when he is active and I had to play with him before he decides to go back to sleep.  There were also nights when he just keeps on crying without reason (probably, he is feeling my tensions?). 

Tonight he woke up only once and I was able to keep my mind working for another four hours.  I had to make use of this opportunity because I don’t get lucky every day. It’s now four in the morning.  I think it’s time to energize. I hope I could just shut off my mind and sleep to give my body its much needed rest.  I need to be up by six in the morning for another challenging day.  I hope my day tomorrow will be as lucky as it was today.

Honestly, there is not a day that I am not exhausted.  Sometimes apart from physical exhaustion, I feel sad and lonely. But overall, I love my life.  I love my day because I love my kids.

How about you, what is your typical day?

Pursue Your Dream

Do you have dreams or aspirations?  Well then, stop day dreaming and get into action.  Single mom, you need to pursue your dream. Your situation should not be a hindrance to fulfilling your dream. I know that you did not dream or plan to become a single mom; but since you are now stuck in your present role, take action. Rise up and pursue your dream.

Do not be afraid to dream even bigger dreams now that you are embarking on a new path. Your dream should not be shattered by your present situation.  Stop thinking of your problems and issues; instead, focus on your dream.  

Kick out fear and doubt from your mind. These two major setbacks must be completely eliminated from your system. How?  Start by facing them.  Identify your fears and doubt. What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid of failure? Are you afraid of making another or an even bigger mistake? Do you doubt your capabilities? 

Once you’ve identified your fears and doubts, think of how you can subdue if not totally eliminate them. List down all the things that you are capable of doing.  Think of the things that you are gifted with. What do you love to do?  What do you enjoy doing?  What talents or skills do you posses?  What moves you? What drives you to action? I am very sure that your love for your kids will take the number one position here. You will be amazed at how many you can list down and when you compare this list versus your list of fears and doubts, your fear and doubt will dissipate. You will feel confident and be able to tell yourself that fear and doubt should not have room in your life.  Confidence will be your armor, courage your sword.  As Walt Disney said, “All our dreams will come true if we have the courage to pursue them”.

As long as we have breath, it is never too late to pursue our dream.  It is never too late to chase our dream.  We need to be persistent to reach our goal.

I am sure you’ve watched or at least heard about  the movie, Harry Potter.  The author of Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling, a single mom.  Because of her novel which turned into a blockbuster film, she is now extremely wealthy.  Her story is not an overnight success.  She had her taste of troubles and hardships and experienced the stigma that most single moms go through. She was despised.  “Between 1993 and 1997 I did the job of two parents, qualified and then worked as a secondary school teacher, wrote one and a half novels and did the planning for a further five. For a while, I was clinically depressed. To be told, over and over again, that I was feckless, lazy — even immoral — did not help.”  - J.W. Rowling, “The Single Mother’s Manifesto”.

Amidst the hardship and stigma, J.K. Rowling persisted.  She pursued her dream and reached it.

If she was able to do it, so can you.  Rise above the challenge.  Pursue your dream!

Angry Single Moms

I recently had a chat with one of my ladies.  She is infuriated with her ex-husband and what frustrates her more is when friends do not understand her feelings.  Her friends think that it is wrong for her to tell her ex-husband never to see their son again.  She counters these comments by telling her story.  Her ex-husband is an irresponsible father.  He spent his income entirely on himself –  drugs, women, clothes, gadgets and anything he fancies.  He never gave a dime for their son.  She said that probably she will not slam the door in her ex-husband’s face if he comes with cash or gift for their son.

Well, I perfectly understand how she feels.  Anger is a common emotion with acts of betrayal like dependence on prohibited drugs or womanizing.  In anger, we generalize that men are pigs or that all men cheat.  Some of my ladies even swore that they will never get into a relationship again.  Such phrases and feelings are but just normal.  These statements represent feelings of massive frustration with men.

There are actually no stages of anger but I believe that anger dissipates over time.  I say this because it happened to me.  I believe that time (and as we become more mature in our experience as single mums) will heal. 

How to heal?

It is okay to get mad, to grieve.  Just continue to express yourself and be comfortable with your feelings and with being a single mom.  Your goal is to process your anger, betrayal, mistrust; then slowly teach yourself to trust again. Talk to friends and family who are willing to just listen and make no comments.  If you have the budget, go to a therapist.  You can also read books that tell the stories of single moms who have successfully conquered their anger and have moved on to forgive.

Do not drown yourself with work, alcohol or sex.  Otherwise, you will face more problems than before. Instead, keep yourself occupied by focusing on taking care of your kid and joining single mom groups or other organizations. 

You will get there.  It may take long but you will get there.  Do not listen to comments such as, “it’s been years now, why haven’t you moved on?”  There is no fixed time when you can get over with your anger and frustration.  Each individual has varying degrees of anger and frustration depending on their experiences and healing will require varying amount of time. There is no fixed rule that once you are done and over with your emotions, they will never come back.  There is no black and white rule.  Do not expect anger to disappear totally; that it will not return.  It may happen that you don’t feel angry now but a day or two later, you will feel an intense anger.  One thing is certain though, in time, you will get there.  In time, you will get healed. 

When healed, you can freely talk about the past without feeling the anger.  You are healed when you can face and talk amicably with the person who caused you pain and anger.

When you get to this feeling, it will be one of the best times of your life! When you get to this feeling, you will fully understand this quote “to err is human, to forgive is divine”.