Angry Single Moms

I recently had a chat with one of my ladies.  She is infuriated with her ex-husband and what frustrates her more is when friends do not understand her feelings.  Her friends think that it is wrong for her to tell her ex-husband never to see their son again.  She counters these comments by telling her story.  Her ex-husband is an irresponsible father.  He spent his income entirely on himself –  drugs, women, clothes, gadgets and anything he fancies.  He never gave a dime for their son.  She said that probably she will not slam the door in her ex-husband’s face if he comes with cash or gift for their son.

Well, I perfectly understand how she feels.  Anger is a common emotion with acts of betrayal like dependence on prohibited drugs or womanizing.  In anger, we generalize that men are pigs or that all men cheat.  Some of my ladies even swore that they will never get into a relationship again.  Such phrases and feelings are but just normal.  These statements represent feelings of massive frustration with men.

There are actually no stages of anger but I believe that anger dissipates over time.  I say this because it happened to me.  I believe that time (and as we become more mature in our experience as single mums) will heal. 

How to heal?

It is okay to get mad, to grieve.  Just continue to express yourself and be comfortable with your feelings and with being a single mom.  Your goal is to process your anger, betrayal, mistrust; then slowly teach yourself to trust again. Talk to friends and family who are willing to just listen and make no comments.  If you have the budget, go to a therapist.  You can also read books that tell the stories of single moms who have successfully conquered their anger and have moved on to forgive.

Do not drown yourself with work, alcohol or sex.  Otherwise, you will face more problems than before. Instead, keep yourself occupied by focusing on taking care of your kid and joining single mom groups or other organizations. 

You will get there.  It may take long but you will get there.  Do not listen to comments such as, “it’s been years now, why haven’t you moved on?”  There is no fixed time when you can get over with your anger and frustration.  Each individual has varying degrees of anger and frustration depending on their experiences and healing will require varying amount of time. There is no fixed rule that once you are done and over with your emotions, they will never come back.  There is no black and white rule.  Do not expect anger to disappear totally; that it will not return.  It may happen that you don’t feel angry now but a day or two later, you will feel an intense anger.  One thing is certain though, in time, you will get there.  In time, you will get healed. 

When healed, you can freely talk about the past without feeling the anger.  You are healed when you can face and talk amicably with the person who caused you pain and anger.

When you get to this feeling, it will be one of the best times of your life! When you get to this feeling, you will fully understand this quote “to err is human, to forgive is divine”.