What Will Happen to My Kids Should Something Bad Happen to Me?

 

The future is uncertain. No one knows what will happen in the next hour or even in the next few seconds of our of life.   I am writing a blog now with the goal of finishing it in the new few minutes.  But who knows what will happen in the next few seconds. I might suffer a heart attack and die or be very sick.

I don’t want to sound pessimistic but this is reality.  This is a fear that most single moms are facing. As these thoughts linger, anger and sadness envelopes me and I can’t stop from crying again as past events vividly cross my mind.  As a single mom, my thoughts are only for my kids’ future.  What will happen to my kids if something bad happens to me?  Should I get sick, who will take care and provide for my children?  If I perish, what will happen to my kids? 

Will my ex-husband take them?  Will he drive them to school and take them to medical appointments?  Will he have the patience to do the things I am doing for my kids?  Will he nurse them back to health should they contract the flu?

Last Will and Testament
This thought and the fear that goes with it drains me. Then I remembered a quote I read by Joseph Campbell, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.” Prayers and this quote motivated me and gave me the wisdom to do something and quit thinking of negative thoughts. 

Though I dread the thought of death, I forced myself to write my last will and testament.  I nominated the guardian for my children.  I indicated my beneficiaries for the little material things I have and specified other requests and instructions.

Insurance
I explored life insurance.  I realized that a life insurance is an excellent approach to managing my finances today and the coming years.  An insurance serves as an assurance that my kids will have money should I pass away and it could also be a means for building wealth. 

A life insurance can have an investment component that increases in value over time as payments are divided between the life insurance policy and the death benefit. Contrary to common belief, life insurance policies are not expensive.  In fact, some can cost the same as paying a monthly landline phone bill.  We just need to do some research to find a policy that is best suited for our situation and financial means.

The basic information that you need to think of is how much you need to cover.  The death benefit should cover your income in the years your children need it in your absence. Decide how much money is needed for your kids to maintain their quality of life until they reach adulthood.  Include expenses such as child’s illness and education expenses.  If the cost is beyond your means (at the moment), consider a term policy.  A term policy will provide you a death benefit covering a set period of time without the investment component.

The fear of what will happen to my kids should something bad happen to me still visits me every so often but I need to shove this away and think of more pleasant things.  Life is uncertain but there are ways to prepare for the uncertainties.  

The Fear of Kids Growing Up Without a Father

Fear is a four letter word with power in it.  Just like death, fear is a universal experience.  Regardless of race or social status we all experience fear in our lifetime.  One of the fears of single moms is their kids growing up without a father.

No Father, No Money
This is the common contention. A single-parent household means that the family will live close to poverty.  This is not true in all cases.  Most single moms I know are wise financial managers.  They are also very industrious and are very creative in finding ways to earn money.

Besides, there are a number of cases wherein even with a father in the house, the family suffers from lack of financial means.

No Manly Figure to Emulate
Research says that growing up without a father changes the way your brain develops.  They say that this is especially true for boys because they don’t have a manly figure to emulate; probably resulting to some becoming gay.  They also say that growing up without a father leads to boys becoming more aggressive leading them to join gangs and becoming involved in drugs and alcohol.

However, even if you have a father in your family, the same thing can happen to your child. Remember that a father is someone who helped you in the conception of your child.  That father becomes a dad to your child only if he fulfills his duties and obligations of providing sacrificial love to his child.  If the father does not have love for his child and fails to provide the financial and emotional needs of his child, then you are better off not having him in your family.
If the footsteps your kid will emulate lead to the path of destruction, why would you expose your kid to such manly figure?  Would you allow your kid to aspire to become an alcoholic, a drug user, a wife beater?

Fear is expecting negative things to happen.  Fear prevents us from exploring the future and having a positive outlook in life.  It drains our energy and prevent us from reaching our goals.  It keeps us from getting what we need and want and keeps us dependent on other people.

If you are living a nightmare now, master the courage to get out and live out your dreams for you and your children.  Stop thinking of the negative things that may result from your decision to become a single mom.  Instead, focus on becoming a strong parent for your children.

Leave fear behind, move on, live life!

How Do I Provide for My Family?

I can’t remember when I first asked this question.  Was it while I was contemplating on raising my children alone or after I’ve made the decision to finally end a relationship that was draining life out of me? Well, I can’t really remember but one thing is certain, I spent hundred hours of sleepless nights thinking this through.

I Worried a Lot
I kept thinking about the future.  I believe I was very pessimistic at that time.  Will there be enough good and nutritious food on the table?  How about the other essentials like clothes, the rent, my kids’ education?  I can’t deprive my kids of the basic necessities in life.  Will they understand our situation or will they blame me for what we are going through and the uncertainties of our future?

Where will I get money?  Will I be able to buy my kids the things other kids or their playmates have like toys, computer and computer games, cell phones?  Will my son end up as a gangster for the sake of money?

I Had Second Thoughts
These thoughts made me cower in fear.  Sometimes, I felt like I was losing my mind.  I would have nightmares and wake up thinking of not pushing through with my decision of becoming a single mom.  I became indecisive.  I felt that I was in two corners of hell and I needed to know which corner is the less evil.

Prayer, contemplation and advice from friends and family cleared my mind and gave me the wisdom to choose what is best for my kids.  I gained strength and resolved that I can do this.  I can be a successful single mom and will be able to provide for my family.

How I Did It
I set out a plan on how to manage our situation. I need to train my kids and get their support as I start my journey to single motherhood.  Young as they, are I need to make them understand our situation and make them responsible and mature at a tender age.

I trained them how they could help me save money for the more essential things.  I inculcated in them the value of being frugal.  I taught them that there are more valuable things in life than the material things a person can own.  I taught them not to be envious of their playmates and to always count their blessings.  I told them not to be ashamed when I collect food stamps and wait for government hand-out.  I taught them that it is not demeaning to wear hand-me-downs.

I cried as we were going through these because like all moms I want to shower my kids with the luxuries of life.  However, I never shed a tear in front of my children because I need to walk my talk. I was a strong single mom as we faced the challenges of living on a shoe string.  I consoled myself, imbibing that material things don’t last but values do.  Teaching my kids to be frugal and to face the challenges of life will bring them closer to success. 

We are managing the scarcity of money because my kids understand and support me.  They help in managing our finances from food to shelter to their education.  They help out in house work so I could work longer hours to augment to our income. 

How I provide for my family is through the help of my adorable kids.  They are the reason why I stand, they are the reason I live, and they are the reason for my strength.

What's Wrong With Being a Single Mom?

We live in the 21^st century, yet the stigma against single moms still prevails.  In a survey by Pew Research Center in January 2011, 7 out of 10 Americans said that the trend toward more single women having children is bad for society.

Single moms did not plan to go through parenting alone. They also had dreams of a traditional home with both parents supporting each other in raising their kids.  Wrong decision is the major reason why a woman became a single mom. We are human beings prone to make mistakes.

Why does society put the blame on women for having to raise children alone?  Why are single moms condemned for something they are not fully accountable for? Is it a crime to choose to raise their kids alone (because the men are not brave enough to face their responsibility) rather than go through abortion? 
Single moms are ostracized as if they are spreading some kind of virus or propagating immoral living. Some people may look at single moms with pity, perceiving them as living in poverty and raising emotionally and behaviorally disturbed kids. Neighborhood crimes are immediately associated with kids of single moms.
I’ve been ridiculed and judged that I am not living right and that I am taking for granted my kids’ welfare. I’ve endured sarcastic remarks from supposedly religious and worthy people. Narrow minded people think that we neglect our children but this is very much the opposite of what we truly are.  Our kids are well-cared for, probably better than kids living with 2 parents.  We raise responsible, respectable kids with notable contributions to society.  Our kids’ welfare comes first before anything or anyone not even our own interests.  Our accusers assume that we live on welfare, living off the taxpayer’s money, a burden to society; what they are not aware of is that we take 2 or sometimes even 3 jobs to ensure that we provide the best for our kids – food, shelter, education.
Society in general, believes that single moms are bad parents and a detriment to society.  Why can’t they accept that we are also humans who made mistakes but are doing our best to correct those mistakes and build a life for our children?
Stereotyped as irresponsible and even stupid, we are constantly pulled down by the upright members of society. I can endure all these but I dread the effect of this stigma on my children.  As a mom, as a single mom, I stand on guard to shield my kids from this stigma.
There is nothing wrong with being a single mom especially when my children call me their hero. Being a single mom doesn’t mean that we’ve failed and that we are doomed to misery.  It simply means that in our often difficult situation at home and at work, we must manage the chaos and shun the stigma.

What is a Single Mom?

 

For me a single mom embodies strength, love and wisdom. She is a somebody who made a difference in someone's life. She is instrumental in the success of her child.  Did you know that President Obama was raised by a single mom and that President Clinton was primarily raised by his mom? I see the life of a single mom as a caterpillar (ugly worm) that transformed to a beautiful butterfly.  Her past may have been ugly but she was able to turn this ugly past to a beautiful beginning for her child’s sake. Even in this time and age, a single mom receives smears from judgmental people who gossip about her having a child without a husband.  These malicious people have no concept that life, at times, does not turn out the way we want it; that a single mom doesn’t like the situation she is in but she is doing her best to cope and ensure that her beloved child is well taken care of.

She is a woman of strength. Despite the pain caused by her child’s father and uncaring people in her community, a single mom pushes herself to provide shelter, food and education for her child. She takes two jobs to make ends meet, while at the same time doing housework and caring for her child.  She may be tired but you will never notice this as she lovingly attends to her child. She does everything in her power to shield her child from the public’s offensive treatment.

She is a woman of unconditional love for her child.  Her child’s welfare comes first before anything, not even her own needs. She may need a jacket to warm her during cold winter walks to her job but before she buys anything for herself, she uses the money to buy things for her child.  She will deprive herself food and save it for her child. When her child gets sick, a single mom is the child’s 24/7 nurse.  Loving strokes of her hand bring soothing relief to her child’s aching body.  Her hums and lullabies calm her child to sleep, assuring her child that all will be well.

She is a woman of wisdom. When her child is teased by classmates for not having a father, a single mom is always on the rescue, telling her child to count her blessings and to be proud of who she is despite her lack of a father. She inspires her child to aim high and reach for her dreams. Even in her child’s adulthood, a single mom is still there to listen and to cry with her child as her child experiences heart break.  After all tears are poured out, a single mom offers words of wisdom, telling her child to accept the pain and to forgive.  A single mom encourages her child to move on and keep living life to the fullest regardless of the untoward things life may bring.  She reminds her child to be strong because life may not always turn out the way we plan it.

A single mom is a woman of strength, of love and of wisdom.

Happy Easter

This day reminds us that there is hope.  Jesus Christ conquered death over 2,000 years ago giving us hope for a bright and everlasting life if we believe and accept Him as our personal Lord and Savior.

While we live in this imperfect world because of us, imperfect people, we will encounter problems.  Let not these problems wear you down but make these your challenges, your springboard to achieve your dreams and goals.  Press on because the battle has been won.  Stop worrying; rather, put your energy to positive use.

Do Not Worry
At the height of the world war, Winston Churchill was working 18 hours a day.  He was asked if he worried about his responsibilities.  His answer was that he was too busy to worry.  He did not have time for worry. We cannot do two things at the same time.  If we are busy and enthusiastic about doing something exciting, we can’t feel dragged down by worry. 

Learn from your kids’ Mother Goose rhyme, “For every ailment under the sun there is a remedy or there is none.  If there is one, try to find it; if there be none, never mind it.”

Even renowned businessmen do not worry.  This is probably one of the reasons why they succeed.

When I can’t handle events, I let them handle themselves. – Henry Ford    
When I am up against a tough situation, if I can do anything about it, I do it.  If I can’t, I just forget about it.  – K.T. Keller, Chrysler Corporation

We need to steer our minds to free us from worry.  The great philosopher Marcus Aurelius said, “Our life is what our thoughts make it”.  Our mind is extremely powerful.  It has the power to make us feel what we think. If we think happy thoughts, we will be happy.  If we think of fear, we become fearful.  If we think failure thoughts, we are most likely to fail. 

I love this cheerful and constructive thinking program written by the late Sibyl F. Partridge entitled, “Just for Today”.  

1. Just for today I will be happy.  This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from within; it is not a matter of externals.

2. Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.  I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come and fit myself to them.

3. Just for today I will take care of my body.  I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse it nor neglect it, so that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

4. Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind.  I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

5. Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

6. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, criticize not at all, nor find fault with anything and not try to regulate nor improve anyone.

7. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, not to tackle my whole life problem at once.  I can do things for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

8. Just for today I will have a program. I will write down what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. It will eliminate two pests, hurrying and indecision.

9. Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax.  In this half-hour sometimes I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective into my life.

10. Just for today I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.

Remember that there is hope.  Happy Easter.

Count Your Blessings

I just read a short story on the internet about random kindness. A furious guy was anxious to get out of the highway and rush to his convention.  As he hurriedly searched for money in his pocket to pay his toll fee, the toll booth operator said,
“There is no toll for you today, sir.”  “Don’t start with me,” he said a bit annoyed.  Just take my money, please.”
“The car in front of you paid the toll. He said to tell you it was a random act of kindness — and to have a nice day.”
“What?”
“It has never happened before. He actually gave me more than what your toll is and told me to apply any leftovers to the car behind you.”
“Really?”
“Really.” 

The pressures of life cause us to be weary and take less notice of the good things around us.  We tend to focus on our problems preventing us from having a positive frame of mind and to calm down. That random act of kindness reminded me to count my blessings and encouraged me to pay it forward.  This is the reason why I chose counting your blessings as my blog topic for today.

Pregnancy, childbirth, and raising kids solo can’t be taken lightly.  These take a toll on our health, emotions and finances.  But if we focus our eyes on the difficulty of these tasks and our responsibilities, we will live weary lives.  Today, let us count our blessings.  “The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles” is an excellent quote by William Penn.

Let me list down some of the blessings associated with being a single mom.  Some of these could be funny but true for most of us.
1.      I don’t have to consult another person every time a decision has to be made for the well-being of my child.  This means no arguing and fighting, pouting faces or deafening silence.  I can choose whatever parenting style/technique that pleases me. Now there is peace.
2.      I don’t have to share hugs and kisses.  I get all the “I love you” I want.
3.      If the house is a mess, who cares? I can leave my dishes in the sink for a week, should I choose to.
4.      I don’t have to listen to criticisms.  No one judges me or my choices.  I don’t have to debate. I can wear anything I like without anyone critiquing my fashion sense. My kids always say I am pretty whatever I wear. I can love myself. I can put on make-up, look and feel pretty. I never get teased if I don’t feel like taking a shower (at times).
5.      No one steps on my self-esteem. I have time, energy and motivation to think things through without being distracted or affected by the opinion of someone else.

6.      I have my freedom back. I can read study and watch anything on TV. I don’t have to put up with wresting, baseball, football or hours of sports reviews. I get to choose my music.  I have quiet evenings; no more snores just the sweet sound of my sleeping kids. I can have long phone conversations without anyone asking who I am speaking with.  I can have dinner at my parents place whenever I want.
7.      I have 1 less person to take care of.  I don't have to worry about balancing my time to meet the needs of a husband and kids - less laundry, no dirty laundry on the floor (except those from my kids but soon they will learn to use the laundry basket), less dirty dishes, etc.
8.      My kids and I can eat, sleep and basically do whatever we want anytime. I can now share my bed with my kids, jump up and down to our hearts delight.  I can buy and eat all the chocolates I want and I don’t have to share Ben and Jerry’s.  Me and my kids can eat anything without anyone say it is weird.
9.      I can show my kids that girls can fix things in the house.
10.  Solo parenting made me more compassionate toward other people.
11.  I can buy or not buy anything I want with my money (though it may be not as much as it was before but now it is 100% my own). I am responsible for all the money and don't have to justify anything to anyone.
12.  No worries on being cheated on; no more lies. No more jealousies except of course if my kids take special notice on other moms. 

Just a dozen blessings but I am sure there are more from other single moms out there. If you want to pay it forward, why don't you list your blessings below and uplift the spirit of single moms.