Heart of a Mother

 

 

 

Heart of a Mother

by Paula J. Fox

A mother is born in that very moment

a child becomes her own.

And her heart begins to overflow

with a love she has never known.

Her focus changes instantly

as her heart beats for another.

It will never be the same again.

It's the powerful heart of a mother!

It's a heart of incredible courage

with strength and endurance too.

She fiercely protects and defends her young

in ways only she can do.

She sacrifices "self" to give

her children what they need,

developing their character

to make sure that they succeed.

Just like a lovely gardener

she plants her seeds of love.

Her heart gives lots of sunshine

like blessings from above.

She provides a firm foundation...

a peaceful, loving home

So her children's roots run deep and strong

no matter where they roam.

With a heart that nurtures them along

to grow in the right direction

She allows them freedom to blossom and thrive

under her wise protection.

They're prepared to face the storms of life,

as they learn to stand alone.

She gives them a sense of value and strength

with a confidence of their own.

There's a special beauty in a Mother's love

She's a picture of wisdom and grace

We honor her with gratitude...

No one can take her place!

No Pain, No Gain

No pain, no gain!  This is the common slogan of people who exercise or those who go on a diet. Single mums can also use as our battle cry. 

There is no question about it, being a single mum is very difficult.  We go through a lot of heartaches and pain.  As I have constantly advised my ladies, use your pain to gain whatever you desire for you and your family.

I strongly believe that lasting success comes from pain. Single mums have experienced one of the most painful episodes in anyone’s life; thus, if we use our pain in the right way, we can achieve lasting success.

Mary Kay Ash’s marriage is not working well.  Soon she found herself a single mum to three children.  She could hardly make ends meet.  To provide for her children she worked for Stanley Home Products.  But she was not doing well in this career either.  When the company had an annual sales conference, she wanted badly to come but did not have the money for her fare, accomodation and food. She was able to borrow from friends but only enough for her fare and a small room.  To survive in the three day conference, she lived on biscuits.

In that conference she witnessed the awarding of the Number One Salesperson of the Year.  This encouraged her and made her go up to Mr. Stanley and told him that she would win that award next year.  To which Mr. Stanley replied smiling, “I believe you will”.

Mary Kay worked day and night and reminded herself that never again will her kids go hungry; that she will be attending the annual conference not from borrowed money and that she will not bring with her biscuits to the conference.  Instead, she will have her own money to spend for the fare, money for good food and that she will receive the award as the Number One Salesperson of the Year.

Mary Kay pushed herself to success using the pain she is experiencing to propel her, to motivate her to reach her goals.  She did go up the stage that year to accept the award as the Number One Sales Person of the Year.

Later on she built her own company, Mary Kay Cosmetics. By the time of her death in 2003, this single mum has built a business empire with US$2 billion in annual sales and 800,000 saleswomen.

Talk about woman power! No pain, no gain!

Single Motherhood or Unhappy Marriage?

I just got an email from one of my ladies, a very young single mum who used to ask me this question, “How will I decide?  Will I choose single motherhood or an unhappy marriage?” Of course without batting an eyelash I would have answered, “Choose single motherhood”.  But I should know better.  As a single mum counselor, I told her to think thoroughly; weigh the pros and cons.  I advised her to put more weight on the effect of her decision on her kids. 

If the kids are adversely affected by an unhappy marriage, it is best to be a single mum. I know that one of the major reasons that hinder women from choosing to be a single mum is financial.  How will I financially provide for my kids?  Second consideration is the non-financial effects.  However, I told her to put more value on the non-financial effects.  Money issues are definitely a problem but there are a number of ways to solve such problem.  What is more difficult to solve and correct are emotional and psychological problems that your kids might suffer from should you continue to live with your spouse in an unhappy home. Adverse emotional and psychological effects of living in an unhappy household will leave a mark on your kids which they will most likely carry to their adult years and even when they themselves build their own families.

Studies confirm that children raised in happy homes turn out to be happy kids regardless if said homes are a single-parent home or a two-parent household.  I am a testimony to such statement.  My kids are now young adults and there was never a moment in their life that I saw unhappiness. Though there were ups and downs in our single-parent home, mostly because we had to squeeze in a lot of our basic needs in my initially small income, I believe I was able to make our home a happy place for my kids.  Our homes is a refuge for me and my kids; an abode of love and encouragement.

Going back to this young single mum, she married young and put up with an abusive husband for one year.  She gave birth to twin daughters and at age 20, she started her cruise as a single mum. Her email recounts how she believes she made the right decision.  Her twin daughters are now in kindergarten.  She’s actually amazed how four years have passed so quickly and how she has managed to take care of her lovely twins.  She tells me that though she is physically exhausted from two jobs she enjoys her victory because she sees her twins growing to be fine ladies.

Yes, there are still moments of crying, feeling alone and lonely in the deep and dark episode of her life, especially during sleepless nights because of sick kids; but she tells me that there are more moments of happiness.  Besides, she now feels stronger, braver and more hopeful for the future.  

Single Parenting Tips

We only want what is best for our children. From physically caring for them, financially providing for them to training and educating them on matters of life; we look for ways to better accomplish our task as single parents. I’ve been a single mum for almost two decades now.  During the course of time, I’ve spoken to a lot of single mums and have tried a couple of parenting tips from experienced single mums.  I would like to share with you my best and tested single parenting tips.

1.      You are sufficient.

You are more than enough for your children.  You are capable.  Your love for them will enable you to sufficiently care for your children – financially, physically and psychologically.  Do not doubt yourself.  Believe that you can do it.  Indeed, solo parenting is difficult but it is possible.  Lifting a heavy bucket of water on top of your head with only one arm is difficult but possible.  As you do this repeatedly, the arm that you use to lift the heavy bucket of water will become stronger.  In time, the task will not be as difficult as it was during your first few attempts.

2.      Take care of yourself.

We can take care of our children only if we are healthy – physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It is women’s nature to take care of others and we feel good when we help other people.  However, we sometimes forget that we are only human and we get exhausted too.  We also do not know how to say “no” so most of the time we are burdened with so many favors.  We need to lay low and take care of ourselves so we can take care of our children.  Do not feel guilty or selfish if at times you need to prioritise your needs over those of your children.  Sometimes, it is necessary. Remember the aircraft drill?  In case of emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping your child to put on his. 

3. Never wear “father’s” shoes.

You definitely will not fit in.  You can’t be two-faced in the eyes of your children.  Rather, expose your kids to responsible men in your family.  Bring them closer to their grandfather, uncles and older male cousins.  Ask their teachers and sports coaches if your kids can spend some time with them.  Ask your male friends if they can be surrogate “fathers” to your kids for a day or two. Look for male role models your kids can look up to and learn from.

4.      Use a parenting style that matches your kid’s character.

God is awesome.  We are 7 billion people, yet no two individuals are alike.  We were created uniquely.  Therefore, you should match your parenting style with your child’s character to make your parenting more effective.  Some kids are extrovert and they speak their mind.  The way we talk and train these kids should be different from the way we communicate and discipline kids who are introvert. We need to spend more time with our kids who are introvert so we get them to talk more and openly. We also need to train them to be more confident. Keep experimenting till you find the best parenting style suited to your kids. Try various methods till you find the style that best suits the intricate character of your child. 

5.      Keep growing your knowledge.

Nothing is constant in this world except change.  People change, the environment changes and the things that influence our kids change.  Single mums must be flexible and be able to adapt to changes.  Keep growing your knowledge and experience by talking to single mums, joining organisations and helping other single mums.

6.      Keep your line of communication open.

Make your children feel that you are always available for them.  They can talk to you anytime they want.  They can talk to you about anything they desire.  Your children must feel comfortable talking to you and you should train them to look forward to your “talking” date.  When I sit down on our three-seater sofa, it gives my kids the signal that our “talking” date is on. They will snuggle beside me, talk about anything under the sun and just enjoy our time together.

The Crying and Wiping Scenario

Emotions are gifts from God.  The way we express and address these emotions determines their value.  Emotions can ease tension but they can also destroy our body.  Laughter produces endorphins (good chemicals) that reduces stress, boosts immune system and keeps your sanity.  Anger and hatred on the other hand produce toxins in your body that can make you sick.

Tears release toxins from our body.  So, single mums, get all those toxins out from your system – cry till you drop laughing.

Sometimes you tell yourself, you don’t want to cry anymore.  You are tired of crying. So, when you catch yourself shedding those tears, you want to hate yourself.  Then your little one climbs on your lap and starts wiping your tears with her dress.  She tells you, “Mum, I love you.  I will wipe your tears away.”

Of course you cry all the more and she says, “Shhhh, I will sing to you, I will make you happy”.  She kisses you and starts singing a tune which you could barely make out except for the words “I love my mommy”.  You tried hard to stop crying because you don't want to frustrate your little one.  But you are not successful, tears are still flowing uncontrollably.

She gets down from your lap and with gusto starts dancing, swaying and moving her body the best

way she can. That’s when you stop crying and start clapping your hands to encourage her.  You little one’s innocence and love lifted your blues away.

So, don’t hate yourself for crying.  As single mums, we will always have those crying and wiping scenarios.  No worries, tears are medicinal and who knows your little one might indulge you with another surprise number. It is okay to cry and let you little one wipe those tears away.

Building Healthy Relationships

Relationship, in the simplest definition, is the state of being connected. As single mums, most of us could say that our connection with our previous partner was in the worst state.  But our world did not end there.  As long as we are alive, we interact and connect with people.  So, it is best to build healthy relationships to enjoy the rest of our time on planet earth.

 

I’ve gone through excruciating pain, to say the very least.  The anguish I’ve been through is indescribable but the positive side is that I’ve learned valuable lessons from this experience.  Experience is the best teacher and I continue to increase my expertise on relationship through reading of books and getting involved in the lives of people who trust me to help them improve their relationship.  I am not be a doctor in psychology but I know from firsthand experience relationship issues and have guided people to develop their relationship and prevent them from adding to the divorce statistics.

 

Relationship is like dancing with a partner.  Both of you have to work together to perform exquisitely and skillfully.  You must understand your partner’s move to respond properly.  You even need to anticipate your partner’s next steps to adjust or conform to his next move.

 

Though both party’s cooperation is essential, it is paramount that you inhibit the following characteristics to build a healthy relationship.

 

1.       Selflessness.

Selflessness is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship.  Our world is characterised by “me”, “my”, “I”, “mine” and any other derivative of “I”. We have an “entitled” attitude.  “I am entitled to my rights, my views” as we reason out and defend and even fight back.  Though we should stand up for what we believe and think is right, though we need to be assertive; we should not ignore the needs of those around us.

Think in the terms of how your action will affect the person you are to direct your action to.  Always try to put yourself in his shoes. Think selflessly before making your move.

 

2.      Forgiveness.

 One of the most difficult things to do is to forgive.  It is human nature and instinct to get back for the betrayals and hurts you’ve suffered.  The agony drives you to retaliate and hurt your opponent.  I know that it is not easy, but forgiving will benefit not just the person who hurt you but most importantly, it will benefit you.  When you whole heartedly forgive, you forget the hurt. As a result you become happy, you are able to sleep well and eat well.  Likewsie, you will be able to use your energy to more profitable tasks than wallow in anger.

 

Relationships are intricate and at one point or another, you will disappoint each other. So anticipate that you will get hurt.  Practice forgiving by starting with small things like forgiving people when they forget your important dates or anniversaries.  Forgive when family members fail to follow your household rules like putting back the cap of the toothpaste, keeping the sink clean from dirty dishes, etc.

 

3.      Do not be afraid to show your affection.

Because of what we’ve been through, it is difficult to show our emotions.  We’ve been used to hiding our emotions from our kids, friends and even from our ex that we unknowingly act uncaringly.  Such an attitude will push people away and will hinder us from building a healthy relationship.

 

The past is over, you are starting anew so embrace the present and the future; bury the past. Show your emotions – touch more, speak loving and gentle words.

 

 

Developing healthy relationships is possible even after a disastrous experience.  You just need to give yourself and those around you a chance.  

Spring Clean Your Emotions

I believe spring cleaning is universal practice; that is, people all over the world practice it. From the United States, to Scotland, to the Middle East, Asia and even down under; people will spark clean their houses from the drapes to the furniture at least once a year.  It’s a tradition that is practiced either during spring time or before the New Year.

I bet single moms are no exception. You do this at least once a year.  You roll up your sleeves, grab your mop and broom and start cleaning your house till its sparkling clean.  Today, I would like to challenge you to embark on a modified spring cleaning program.   I call it spring cleaning your emotional clutter.

I know you’ve been through a lot; remember, we are in the same boat.  No doubt that the phase we went through and are still going through as single moms caused us to amass a ton of emotional clutter.  These emotional clutter or negative emotions are not healthy emotions.  If we continue to carry this unhealthy baggage, it will prevent us from reaching our goals and will soon destroy our future and even the future of our children.

Here are some simple steps to help you spring clean your emotional clutter.

Step 1:  Admit that you carry with you negative emotions.

We try our very best to dampen our negative emotions for the sake of our children.  We don’t want them to see us crying.  We want to portray that we are strong and that we have everything under control.  Sometimes we pretend so well (we are good actresses) that we become callous. 

We need to differentiate our pretentions from our negative emotions.

Step 2:  Be sensitive on your actions.

Do you catch yourself complaining about your past hurts?  Do love ones comment on your less than upbeat mood or your being moody?

Get to the root of the problem.  Is your past still haunting you?  You need to seek an immediate solution.  Join a support group, get advice.  You need to let go and face the future.

Step 3:  Look forward

I remember a story in the Bible where Lot’s wife looked back at their burning city as Sodom and Gomorrah were being destroyed and she turned into salt. Don’t let your past prevent you from achieving a bright future.

You may be harboring anger and you keep repeating thoughts of unworthiness.  You keep blaming yourself and other people and this is weighing you down. You need to look forward and get back on track.  You are responsible for your life and your children’s future.  Spring clean your emotional clutter and take back control.  Let go of unhealthy and toxic clutter that’s pulling you down.

You may be saying that this is easier said than done.  But I can attest to it.  It can be done.  If I’ve done it, so can you!

Step 4: Be careful of what you say to yourself.

We single moms talk to ourselves a lot.  Well, we can’t help it; our better half turned out to be a bitter one.  If you hear yourself say things like, “I’m such a loser”, “I can’t seem to make anything right”, “I’m not good enough,” stop!  Replace these phrases with positive and hopeful thoughts like “I know I can do this, I just need time”.

Listening to motivational speakers will also help unclog your mind from unhealthy thoughts, bring and attract positive vibes.

Step 5: Keep a journal of your blessings.

Daily list the things you are grateful for. Just 10 to 15 minutes of your time everyday will result to a powerful life changing tool that will attract more good things in life and propel you closer to your dreams.

This simple exercise will help you get rid of thoughts, ideas, and even people who are not helpful with your purpose and goal. Think of this exercise like uncluttering your closet.  You throw away things or clothes that no longer fit you or you no longer need, so you will have more space for the more essential things or brand new things that will best suit your need.  

Step 6: Focus

There may be not just one but several emotional clutters that you need to discard.  This can be overwhelming but don’t fret.  It took time before negative emotions cluttered your life; just stay focused with your spring cleaning activity and you will get there.  Change does not happen overnight; it takes time. Be patient, considerate and kind with yourself, as you spring clean your emotions to improve your life.

There you go, six simple steps to jumpstart spring cleaning of your emotions.  You can do it girl; you are a super single mom!

 

I Need a Break

I am not complaining.  I love life and I enjoy it.  But, today I would just like to say I am tired and I need a break!

Single moms, I know you’re with me. Parenting is a serious job; an overwhelming task for two people.  So, since you are raising your kids alone, how do I describe your job? How do I describe you?  You are a super single mom, an awesome single mom!  But you are tired; you are dead tired!

Do you sometimes feel so tired, alone, misunderstood and unappreciated?  Can any human being multi-task better than you do?  You are the Chief Executive Officer, banker, maid, nanny, psychologist, nurse, tutor, cook, plumber, driver, gardener and more!  You do all of these and yet people around you seem to demand more.  How do you tell them you only have 24 hours a day, like they do?

People would sometimes praise you because you were able to bring up great kids alone - kids who will someday make great contributions to society.  Your kids are growing up as responsible citizens and are not a problem to society.  They are working their way to college and are in no way involved in drugs or crimes.  They are what our society would call assets.

You are in the habit of going out of your way to help anyone in need, because that’s just you; that’s your nature.  You are kindhearted (probably the result of the things you've gone through?). You are understanding and accommodating. You’ve been through a lot of challenges and have overcome those challenges; so somehow people look up to you now. They see you as everything they need rolled into one human being, single mom. The constant favors have become somewhat your duty, your obligation. Sadly, when you deny favors, the same people who laud you are also the same ones who talk behind your back.  Regardless of what they say, you need to sometimes say “no” because you are tired; you are dead tired!

When you feel dead tired, just go for a break.  People around you may not like it and may not understand it, but who cares.  You need a break, you deserve one!

If you feed that you don’t have the energy to cook a meal to feed your little ones, give them cereals.  If they are old enough, tell them to cook their own meal, wash the dishes and even wash the laundry. If this is not possible, leave the dishes and laundry for a day or two.  Don’t worry they will not rot.  If your friend asks you to drive for her, tell her to get a chauffeur ;). Just take your needed break and rest for the day.

Today, I just want to say that I am with you single moms.  Let’s take a break, relax and rest.  Today, I am keeping my blog sort and sweet for we need to take a break from our ever daunting multi-tasking career.

I salute you super single moms and bid you a relaxing, carefree, timeless, no deadline day!  Let’s celebrate!

Painful Memories

Sometimes, I can’t help thinking of the past.  Like today, I recall my first few months as a single mom.  I am putting these memories down because I would like all single moms out there to know that they are not alone; I would like them to know that what what they feel are legitimate emotions.  There is nothing wrong with them, nothing unhealthy about what they feel.  Single moms are normal human beings and the feelings and thoughts they have are normal emotions and thoughts of someone going through a very difficult phase in their life.

I would like to call these first few months of solo motherhood as the denial stage. During these first few months, I did not want to accept that I am alone; that I am now a single parent, a single mom.  As I thought of the humongous responsibilities of a solo mom, I started to blame myself, my ex-husband, sometimes even my children who I love so dearly; then I blamed the whole world. I was afraid.  I did not want to accept reality because of the pain that it brings. 

The Pain of Doing the Daily Duties without Any Help

Imagine you have to do everything (probably, you were doing this before but now it is official) – house work, child caring, providing for your family.  You have to cramp all these tasks into your 24 hour a day.  You may be an expert time manager but no amount of management will be able to address the fact that you need more than 24 hours a day to fulfill the tasks and responsibilities of being mom and dad to your kids. 

We are just talking about daily duties, but what about situations when your kids get sick? I remember the pains of going to the hospital alone.  I spent nights by my kids’ hospital bed when they were ill.  There were times when these hospital visits took longer than weeks and even months without going home. I remember the pain of talking to myself alone because I have no one to confer with.  I felt the pain of having to make a critical decision alone.

The Pain that My Kids are Deprived

One of the most painful things I’ve experienced is seeing my kids enviously looking at another kids’ toy.  I felt like someone stabbed me with a knife as I saw that look on my kid’s face.  Though material things are nothing compared to the love I give my kids, a 3 year old boy doesn’t know the difference.

That is just a toy; even more painful is when you fail to provide the more essential things like food, clothes, shelter and education. Tears flow as I collect food coupons and hand-me-down clothes.  There was a time when I could not even afford a refrigerator that I had to put a carton of milk in cold water to cool it.  Even the basic entertainment for my kids was an issue.  We’ve had months of no television, no cartoons.

During those times, I kept thinking and talking to myself.  What at have I done to my kids?  How can I make it up to them? Will I be able to make it up to them?  Will I overcome this situation and provide them a quality life?

The Pain of Always Being in Debt

I had to borrow money from kind hearted people to keep food on the table.  If I continue to do this, we will always live in poverty and never be able to save for the future.  I tried to earn more money but as I was doing that, I had to leave my kids alone at home.  I will never forget the time when I was able to get home at the nick of time before the police could take my kids away.  A kind neighbor agreed to look after my kids, but when my eldest couldn’t find me, she called the police.   

It was very painful thinking and finding ways to improve our financial situation.

Single moms, the pain you feel is normal and it is okay to cry. During those months of denial, I cried myself to sleep. Sometimes tears help in the healing process.  Tears will help you release the pain.

Are You Ready?

Sleepless nights, eyes swelling from crying, loneliness; how can you free yourself from this ordeal. Years have passed, but the pain is still there.  Friends and family have done their best to console you to no avail.  Now they tell you to get back into a relationship to help you heal.  Is this is a solution?  Are you ready?

Only you can answer this question.  You need to think hard and weigh your options.  Will getting back into a relationship heal the wound and bring back happiness into your life?  I am certain that your thoughts are on the effect of a new relationship to your children.  Will another partner love my child?  Will he abuse my child?

Step 1: Go Out on a Date 
Think and reflect.  However, you will never know the answer till you take the first step of trying this solution. I suggest you take the first step of opening your door to dating. This step is just for you to test the waters. How are you feeling?  Did you enjoy the date?  Does your prospect partner respect the fact that you are a single mom?  As this progresses, you will have a better idea of what to do next.

Step 2:  More Thinking and Reflecting
Now, you need more thinking and reflecting.  You need to answer the question, “What do you want in your next relationship?” You need to be honest in answering this question.  Are you seeking a relationship because of love, support, companionship or all of the above? Your answer will determine the degree of your need for a new relationship. If you want a relationship for the sake of financial support or for company, then drop the idea of a new relationship.  You don’t want a serious relationship; you only want a casual relationship.  You may continue seeing the guy but make it clear to him that you only want friendship.

Step 3: Getting Serious
But if you feel that you are ready for a serious relationship, then you need to further probe yourself.  Are you sure that you have freed yourself from the baggage of hurt from your previous relationship?  You need to be assured that no guilt feelings remain in your heart.  Do you deserve to be loved and give love in return? Are you happy with yourself? Are you capable of making your partner happy?  Are you confident? Are you sure that hurtful words form the past no longer haunts you; that these no longer have their effects on you? You need to be certain that you are happy with yourself and are confident that you can work out a healthy relationship.

You must be certain that you are over with your past relationship.  If you are harboring feelings of negativity or anger towards your last partner, you may not be over that relationship. You must be healed of these feelings before pursuing new relationship so you can give yourself and your prospect partner a fair chance of developing a healthy relationship.

Step 4:  Do You Have a Matching Personality?
Think of at least top 3 characteristics that you want from your partner. Don’t be superficial.  Forget about looks or finances but dwell more into traits that match your personality.  It could be a positive outlook in life, the guy makes you laugh or he brings out the best in you?  Does he make you a stronger person, makes you happier, and more confident? In other words, does he  enhance your life; making you better in all things? Do you complement each other? If your answer to these questions is a resounding yes; then, you have a possible match.

Getting back into a relationship may possibly make your life better but you need to make sure you are ready and this is what you want before taking the plunge.  You don’t want another failed relationship!