Painful Memories

Sometimes, I can’t help thinking of the past.  Like today, I recall my first few months as a single mom.  I am putting these memories down because I would like all single moms out there to know that they are not alone; I would like them to know that what what they feel are legitimate emotions.  There is nothing wrong with them, nothing unhealthy about what they feel.  Single moms are normal human beings and the feelings and thoughts they have are normal emotions and thoughts of someone going through a very difficult phase in their life.

I would like to call these first few months of solo motherhood as the denial stage. During these first few months, I did not want to accept that I am alone; that I am now a single parent, a single mom.  As I thought of the humongous responsibilities of a solo mom, I started to blame myself, my ex-husband, sometimes even my children who I love so dearly; then I blamed the whole world. I was afraid.  I did not want to accept reality because of the pain that it brings. 

The Pain of Doing the Daily Duties without Any Help

Imagine you have to do everything (probably, you were doing this before but now it is official) – house work, child caring, providing for your family.  You have to cramp all these tasks into your 24 hour a day.  You may be an expert time manager but no amount of management will be able to address the fact that you need more than 24 hours a day to fulfill the tasks and responsibilities of being mom and dad to your kids. 

We are just talking about daily duties, but what about situations when your kids get sick? I remember the pains of going to the hospital alone.  I spent nights by my kids’ hospital bed when they were ill.  There were times when these hospital visits took longer than weeks and even months without going home. I remember the pain of talking to myself alone because I have no one to confer with.  I felt the pain of having to make a critical decision alone.

The Pain that My Kids are Deprived

One of the most painful things I’ve experienced is seeing my kids enviously looking at another kids’ toy.  I felt like someone stabbed me with a knife as I saw that look on my kid’s face.  Though material things are nothing compared to the love I give my kids, a 3 year old boy doesn’t know the difference.

That is just a toy; even more painful is when you fail to provide the more essential things like food, clothes, shelter and education. Tears flow as I collect food coupons and hand-me-down clothes.  There was a time when I could not even afford a refrigerator that I had to put a carton of milk in cold water to cool it.  Even the basic entertainment for my kids was an issue.  We’ve had months of no television, no cartoons.

During those times, I kept thinking and talking to myself.  What at have I done to my kids?  How can I make it up to them? Will I be able to make it up to them?  Will I overcome this situation and provide them a quality life?

The Pain of Always Being in Debt

I had to borrow money from kind hearted people to keep food on the table.  If I continue to do this, we will always live in poverty and never be able to save for the future.  I tried to earn more money but as I was doing that, I had to leave my kids alone at home.  I will never forget the time when I was able to get home at the nick of time before the police could take my kids away.  A kind neighbor agreed to look after my kids, but when my eldest couldn’t find me, she called the police.   

It was very painful thinking and finding ways to improve our financial situation.

Single moms, the pain you feel is normal and it is okay to cry. During those months of denial, I cried myself to sleep. Sometimes tears help in the healing process.  Tears will help you release the pain.