Single Motherhood or Unhappy Marriage?

I just got an email from one of my ladies, a very young single mum who used to ask me this question, “How will I decide?  Will I choose single motherhood or an unhappy marriage?” Of course without batting an eyelash I would have answered, “Choose single motherhood”.  But I should know better.  As a single mum counselor, I told her to think thoroughly; weigh the pros and cons.  I advised her to put more weight on the effect of her decision on her kids. 

If the kids are adversely affected by an unhappy marriage, it is best to be a single mum. I know that one of the major reasons that hinder women from choosing to be a single mum is financial.  How will I financially provide for my kids?  Second consideration is the non-financial effects.  However, I told her to put more value on the non-financial effects.  Money issues are definitely a problem but there are a number of ways to solve such problem.  What is more difficult to solve and correct are emotional and psychological problems that your kids might suffer from should you continue to live with your spouse in an unhappy home. Adverse emotional and psychological effects of living in an unhappy household will leave a mark on your kids which they will most likely carry to their adult years and even when they themselves build their own families.

Studies confirm that children raised in happy homes turn out to be happy kids regardless if said homes are a single-parent home or a two-parent household.  I am a testimony to such statement.  My kids are now young adults and there was never a moment in their life that I saw unhappiness. Though there were ups and downs in our single-parent home, mostly because we had to squeeze in a lot of our basic needs in my initially small income, I believe I was able to make our home a happy place for my kids.  Our homes is a refuge for me and my kids; an abode of love and encouragement.

Going back to this young single mum, she married young and put up with an abusive husband for one year.  She gave birth to twin daughters and at age 20, she started her cruise as a single mum. Her email recounts how she believes she made the right decision.  Her twin daughters are now in kindergarten.  She’s actually amazed how four years have passed so quickly and how she has managed to take care of her lovely twins.  She tells me that though she is physically exhausted from two jobs she enjoys her victory because she sees her twins growing to be fine ladies.

Yes, there are still moments of crying, feeling alone and lonely in the deep and dark episode of her life, especially during sleepless nights because of sick kids; but she tells me that there are more moments of happiness.  Besides, she now feels stronger, braver and more hopeful for the future.