Overcome Fear

One of the most common problems faced by single moms is fear. It is fear of the past,  the present and even the future. The past ordeal is like a ghost that haunts our every waking hour.  Because of our damaged self image, we fear that we are not capable of taking care of our children and we can't earn enough money to provide for their needs. We tend to cower like a child as these thoughts come to mind. Single moms are afraid of the future.  They are worried of what the future may bring to their children.

The past events of hurt and pain brought about by physical abuse, psychological abuse, betrayal, etc. are memories that keep flooding our minds. Because of damaged self image single moms fear their ability to adapt to their new role.  They are stricken with panic and anxiety attacks everyday. They worry about child care, food, clothing and shelter. They fear that they might not be able to provide the physical and emotional needs of their children.  They fear failing as a single mom. Fear of the unknown and the uncertainty can be paralyzing causing single moms to further slip into depression.  You need to overcome these fears.  There are ways to control your fear.

First of all, you need to calm yourself.  Panic will confuse your brain and will prevent you from seeing or thinking of solutions.  You need to calm down to enable you to think clearly and logically. To maintain your coolness, do not dramatize the past. Quit thinking about it and soon you will be able to forget the past.

When you are calm, you can start thinking of solutions to your problems.  Now is the perfect time to make a plan.  Put down your plan in ink and paper.  It is best to do this as you can always come back to it to check your progress and make changes if needed. Plan things according to the order of their importance. For instance, finding an affordable house, a care center for your kids, a better paying job, buying a car (used) to get around in, etc. is a logical program of activities. Make a plan to manage your new home set-up.  Organize your daily activities from child care, to housework to your job.

After listing your plan, lift them up to the Lord.  Prayer eases fears. When your plan is submitted to God, it gives you the assurance that you will be able to go through your situation.

Work with a mentor, confidante or an accountability partner. Your mentor will be able to give you advices and will be there to support you.  Your confidante will listen to you as you speak your fears.  Your accountability partner will remind you of the steps you’ve decided to take to ease and erase your fears.

Maintain a positive attitude.  Be thankful in all things and you will find peace.

Fear is like a prison.  It prevents you from going out into the world and accomplishing things that will improve your life.  It steals your freedom, it plunders your hope.  Fear is the destroyer of dreams and future. Never let fear rule your life, do not allow fear to imprison you; overcome fear! 

Single Mom's Social Life

No man is an island.  We all need to interact with one another and have an active social life to survive and live a balanced and happy life, single moms included. Single moms have a lot of reasons for shying away from social activities.  Time constraint, budget constraint, people’s expectations, fear of the unknown and fear of what other people may say, can be overcome.

Develop a correct mindset.  Quit thinking that since you are a single mom you should have little time for yourself. This is absurd.  Stop punishing yourself.  Do not be afraid of what other people might say. Stop pleasing other people; you cannot please everybody.  Regardless of how much you sacrifice, you will still suffer some stigma against single moms.  There is nothing wrong with having a social life. Having a social life is normal and healthy.  It will help you have better insights, expand your vision and wisdom. You just need to mingle with the right people.  Choose your crowd.  Do not go partying every night.

Have a positive attitude.  Just because you had a not so good past means that there is no hope of meeting nice people. 
 

Make time. Single moms are very busy so it is very important to include socializing in managing your time.  Socializing need not occupy a lot of your time.  It can be done monthly or even semi-annually.  You can do it on a weekly basis for an hour.  It really depends on how best it will suit your schedule.  But it is important to make time to socialize; otherwise, you will never get into it. 

 

Be real.  Sometimes you deliberately fill your schedule with work and children because you are afraid that your downtime, your “alone” time will intensify your loneliness.  You keep preoccupying yourself because you are afraid to have an “alone” time. You don’t have to be alone during your downtime.  Use your downtime to socialize.

 

Be creative in planning your social activities.  If you really have an issue with time because you don’t have anyone to leave your kids to, take them with you.  Who said that socializing means “no kids around”?  Your social activities don’t always have to involve adults only or dating. Your social activities can even help you develop your kids’ social skills.

 

Ask for help.  Single moms are used to doing all things by themselves.  Sometimes, they feel that asking help means that they are incapable of fulfilling their roles.  This is not so. Do not be afraid to ask help from other people.  Your neighbor or family members could probably be able to babysit for you and you can return the favor next time.  You see, this is the beauty of socializing.  You get to have more friends that you can turn to should you need help.
 

Choose affordable social activities. It’s normal not to have extra money to spend in social activities. Worry not; you don’t always need money to enjoy the company of friends. Of course your choice of activities will depend on you and your friends’ preference.  You can socialize and develop relationship with other single moms by merely taking walks in the park, visiting museums or window shopping. Have you tried eating “cheap” or excising together?  How about dance lessons and other cheap classes with your girl friends? Yoga and cooking lessons can be organized at minimal or no cost at all.  How about movie dates with someone close to being special? 

 

Stop rejecting invitations to social activities. Develop your social life and live the life you truly deserve.

To Marry or Not?

To marry or not to marry, this is a question that gets a lot of single moms thinking. 

The life of a single mom is definitely difficult.  One of the most pressing issues we face is money.  In most cases, single moms want to solve this issue immediately.  Who wouldn’t?  You need to feed your kids, send them to school, clothe them and give them shelter.  Of course, you need to find an immediate solution to your money problem.  Sometimes, single moms think that the easiest and fastest way to solve this issue is to find a mate that could provide them the finances they need. 

I will not blame single moms who think and act this way.  They are pressured and sometimes, they fail to think logically.  And because of this, they say yes to the first guy they meet who seem capable of fulfilling their immediate need for money. But finding a mate to solve your money problems is not a solution.  Rather, it could add to your already numerous problems.

Avoid marrying on the rebound.  Should you get back on the dating scene, take it slow and easy. 

First of all you need to be sure that you are dating for the right reason.  That is, you want a serious relationship and your goal is to re-marry because you want someone to share your life with.  You are dating for love.  

Are you ready to love again?  You need to be prepared because love, as you know, does not always bring happiness. There could be sad moments… again.  Will you be able to handle this?

Before you even start dating, examine yourself if you are ready.  Are you completely healed from the pain? Have you forgiven yourself and your ex?  Are you sure that you don’t carry excess baggage (hurt, resentment, anger) that could be detrimental to your new relationship?

Have you weighed the pros and cons?  Are you sure that your children will be happy with your decision to start dating?  Will they benefit from your decision?

Do you have the time and energy?  Single moms are very busy – caring for their kids and earning an income.  If you don’t have the time and the energy, I suggest you put your dating plan to a pause.  To develop a good relationship you need to invest on time and energy.

Here’s to an uncomplicated life J

Moving Forward

Single moms need all the encouragement they can get to move on after the drastic event in their life.  They need to move forward to ensure a better future for their children.  Their children of course are the primary motivators that would help them to move forward but single moms, especially the new single moms, can always use a few tips on how to move forward.

1. 1.  Think like a winner.  You are not a loser; you still are a winner because you will become stronger, more confident, smarter and wise because of your experience. This is the empowerment that you can derive from your past. You have gained wisdom that you can teach your children when it is their turn to go into a relationship. Winning is not just about being the number one but a winner is someone who has learned from her experience.  A winner thinks ahead.  A winner competes against herself; a winner strives to always improve herself.

2.      Be honest with yourself, feel the pain but do not wallow in it. Because if you do, you will suffer. Remember that suffering is optional.  You can choose to get up and turn your world around.  Nothing lasts forever. The pain will go away if you do not nourish it.  Pain stays only if you dramatize it.  You need to resist pain. Quit asking yourself the same old questions over and over - “Why did it have to be me? Why did I not see it coming?”  Quit saying, “This is not fair!  I can’t move on.  I’m hurt!” Quit the mental drama and start facing the new day.   

3.      Forgive yourself and your ex.  Forgiveness is the best antidote to pain.  Let go of the resentment and the guilt.  What’s done is done so forgive yourself for the things you think you should have done during the relationship. Stop hating your ex. Teach your mind and your heart to forget. Stop reminiscing the past – good and bad memories alike.   

4.      Focus only on the present.  The present is a gift.  Today is an opportunity to start a new beginning.  You have the power to do what you want to accomplish today and the power to influence the future with your actions today. Live today, live the moment and look forward to the future. 

Discipline

Raising children alone is a daunting task but very rewarding.  Rewarding in the sense that kids are a joy to be with especially when they are young.  They will shower you with kisses and hugs when you feel down or when you are tired or basically anytime.  Their “I love you” are music to the ears.  Sometimes it is the fear of losing these simple joys that single moms forget to discipline their kids.

Sometimes, single moms fear that if they discipline their kids they will lose the hugs and kisses.  If your kid made a mistake, it is important to talk to them about it and tell them why you need to punish them. It is important that kids are taught discipline at an early age.  Discipline is one of the most important characters that people need to develop to become successful.  It is easier to teach good values to children while they are young. I love this true story.  A child kept teasing his baby sister regardless of the punishment he gets from his mom.  One day after teasing his sister, the mom did not send the boy to solitude to his room.  Instead, the mom gave her son a whip and asked him to whip his mom.  The boy never teased her sister again.

Sometimes, it is loving their kids too much that cause single moms to loosen the training and discipline. Single moms feel that they need to fill the void left by the dad.  But this is wrong.  It is a wrong way to show love to our children.  Children need to learn to be responsible.  They need to do their share in the housework. They need to respect house rules like being home at a certain time every night. We need to discipline them to give them a strong foundation in facing the challenges of life.  Our society requires rules and they must know that rules are to be followed and not broken.  Besides, the rules that we make are for their good and are ways to ensure their safety. Likewise, single moms must accept that they cannot fill the void left by the dad. No matter how we try, we can never fulfill this task. We can only fill-in in terms of money and our presence. But what is important is that our kids know and feel that we love them and are doing our utmost to ensure that they grow to become the best they can be; that they grow to their maximum potential.

Sometimes, single moms feel that they must do and fix things for their children simply because it’s their job; it’s their duty because she is the mom.  They feel that doing this will make their children feel valuable and loved.  On the contrary, we only make our children useless and irresponsible when we allow them to just scatter things around.  We teach them to be irresponsible when we pick-up after them, when we clean and arrange their rooms instead of teaching them to mind their things and keep their room tidy. We show our love the wrong way and make our children dependent instead of being independent.

 
Sometimes, single moms feel that their kids have had too much emotional issues. Because of this single moms would start loosening their rules. They allow the limit, the boundary of rules to collapse.  That is when they start encountering some problems.  Their kids become irresponsible and undisciplined.  It is true that kids in a single parent home went through a lot of emotional problems but we only add to the problem instead of solving them if we do not discipline our kids.

To love is to discipline.  We love our kids and our only desire is for them to succeed in life.  Discipline is one of the attitudes they need to develop to become successful.  Do not fear. Discipline your children and you and your children will reap rewards.

 

Should Single Moms Go Out on a Date?

My personal opinion... not now.  Not until the kids are grown up.  Not until you are healed from your past.  Not until you are ready.

First things first, focus on your children and how to build a better life for you and your children. I honestly believe that the priority of most single moms is their children.  Therefore to help them focus on their priority, they should avoid dating while the kids are young.  Young children (zero to five years old) need more care and attention.  It is also at this stage that kids’ growth potential (mentally, emotionally, socially and physically) is at its maximum. Therefore, it is pertinent that single moms do their best to be with their children most of the time to care for them and influence them.

I believe that it is only fair to put priority on the children because the children were there first.  They were there as the single mom was experiencing her unfavorable situation. Her children are giving her the strength and encouragement during that stage.  Though young as they may be, her children gave her courage to face her new role.  They shower her with love and it is only fair to return that love by giving her utmost attention to her children instead of going out on a date.
 

Let’s face it, single mothers are busy bodies. We wear different hats everyday.  We are torn between two identities; that of a loving, caring and attentive mother and that of a single woman.  It will help us a lot to focus on our priority if we forgo dating for the time being.

 

When your children are older and old enough to understand, then you can consider your next priority which could be finding a companion.  Nevertheless, before you plunge into the dating world be sure that you do not carry excess baggage from your previous relationship.  You must be sure that you have forgiven your ex-husband and yourself from your bad past. You must be sure that you have the right reason of why you are going out on a date.  Your reason for dating must be because you seek happiness and a lifetime relationship.  Your desire is for love and not for financial reasons.  Before plunging into the dating world, you must be 101% sure of yourself and what you want.  You must be sure that you are prepared and ready for another serious relationship.

Forgive

It is human nature to be vengeful when hurt.  Our first impulse is to get back physically and through our words when we get hurt.  We think that this is a sort of self defense; that if we retaliate we will feel better and the pain will go away. We think that if we do not forgive the person who hurt us, we will cause damage or hurt the person back. But when we think deeply, we will realize that unforgiveness is detrimental to our health and it will not have any effect on the person who hurt us.

There is no question about it.  The gravity of the sufferings of single mothers causes us to feel that it is impossible to forgive.  But if we do not try and learn to forgive, how can we have a better life? How can we move on?  If we do not choose to forgive, we continue to suffer.

One of the things that motivated me to forgive is my desire to have a better life for me and my kids.  I know that my unforgiving heart will soon lead me to sickness.  And if I get sick, who will take care of my children?

The feelings of sadness, anger and hurt were causing me sleepless nights.  They were tormenting me, making me cry day and night.  I could think of nothing but the pain. Sadness, anger and hurt were doing nothing but burn inside of me giving me a cynical attitude. I realized that the only person suffering was me.  And if I don’t put a stop to this, unforgiveness will destroy me completely and my children will be gravely affected.

I realized that I have a choice. I can choose to forgive.  Forgiving will give me the opportunity to move on.  Forgiveness will give my heart a space to find freedom and light. Forgiveness will allow me to think clearly and enable me to focus on my family’s future.

When I learned to forgive, my world changed.  I became a new and better person. I became free and happy.

I Learned From My Children

Single parenting is not only difficult; it is overwhelming as we put on our different hats everyday. We bring home the baon. We are the bodyguard, nurse, comforter, cook, maid, driver, tutor and everything else under the sun.  Thus, we need to learn as much as we can to help us fulfill our multiple roles. We read books, we join organizations, we listen to friends and family.  But, I can attest to you that one of the best mentors I have are my kids.  I learned from children.

I may not have learned how to earn money, cook or drive from my kids; but I did learn how to have a positive outlook in life from my children.

My children helped me to forgive.  Their innocent acceptance of living in a one-parent home gave me the courage to accept my own situation as a single mom.  I do not find in them a single trace of bitterness and this has helped me a lot to move on, forgive and accept our fate.  When I accepted my situation and learned to forgive, I gained the courage and strength to wear my multiple hats everyday. 

My children taught me never to lose my sense of appreciation. I couldn’t provide them a lot of toys but this deprivation never saddened my kids.  Actually, it was I who cried when I saw my little boy stare at his playmate’s new remote car toy.  When his playmate left with his toy, my boy happily played with his own plastic toy car.  My children may not have many fancy toys but they appreciate what they have.  Simple toys delight them.  Being contented with simple things is one of the keys to happiness.

I learned from my children that crying heals. My kids and I talk a lot and we talk about anything under the sun; love included.  So when my eldest was experiencing what she thought was love and felt heartbroken, she cried her heart to me.  I told her to stop crying but she simply replied that she just wants to cry because it makes her feel better.  Adults hate to cry; actually, we are ashamed to cry.  We should learn from our kids; crying will make us feel better. Crying is medicinal.  It helps us release our emotional pain and it is healthy. Research says that tears can be a way of flushing negative chemicals from our body. Basal tears, layer of protective fluid covering our eyeballs, contain lysozyme which is a powerful and fast acting antibacterial and anti-viral agent.

I thought that the best way to shield myself from harm was to quit talking and keep away from people. My children taught me that I can speak up.  I can speak up but keep my composure and be respectful. We are a normal family we argue at times.  I remember my little boy raising his hands to tell me that he wants to be heard; that he disagrees with my choice of clothing for him but he respects my choice because I am the one who will pay the bill.

My children taught me to love and trust again. They love me so dearly and trust me to always be there for them.  I learned from this childlike behavior that I too can love and trust my heavenly father because he is always there for me.  Though I do not understand the complexity of life, Jesus Christ knows everything from beginning till the end and I can trust Him because I know that He loves me and cares for me.

I learned from my children a very valuable lesson.  I learned from my children how to have a positive outlook in life.

Healthy Babies

You are young and you recently gave birth to a healthy baby.  But how can you raise him and keep him healthy now that you are a lone parent, a single mom? 

Babies can cause you too much stress.  Some cry a lot and you can’t find ways to keep them quiet or at least make them sleep. Actually babies would feel what the mother is feeling so if your baby is always crying, he may sense that you are unhappy.  When you are with your baby, focus on him alone.  Forget about your other issues.  This way you will enjoy your time with you baby and will enable you to raise a healthy baby. A happy baby will destress you and enable you to plan and think of how best to handle your new role.

It is important that you establish connection with your baby.  The moment a baby is born, he establishes connection, sorts and categorizes information.  He is in a new environment and he tries to process his new surroundings. He will not immediately respond to your words during the first few weeks of birth but do not be dismayed.  Soon, you will enjoy playing with your baby.

At age one month you can start engaging with your baby's senses. Touch and massage him to help him recognize your touch.  This will comfort him and make him feel secured.  You will notice that when he is crying and another person will touch or carry him, he may not stop crying.  But when you take him, he will relax and stop crying. Though his vision is not yet clear, he will start to grab colorful objects that you show him.  He will be attracted to sounds and this is the best time to call him to enable him to recognize your voice.

Your baby’s personality will start to develop at age one to two months.  At this stage, they depend on others to initiate interaction.  They will respond to your coos and smiles. At age three, they start initiating interaction through facial expressions, vocalizations and gestures. At age three to four months, they can squeal with delight and laugh aloud.

It is crucial that you play with your baby to enable you to raise a healthy child.  Though couple parenting is an ideal situation, you can still raise great kids even if you are a single mom as long as you give your utmost attention to your child. 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in the world, most specially to the single moms.

I never stopped anticipating this day because even when my kids were young, they make this day super special for me.  This day excites me because I am curious as to what surprises I will receive as my kids' token of their love and appreciation for me.  Don’t get me wrong, everyday they tell me they love me but on Mother’s Day, they do something extra special to make me feel that love.

My gratitude goes to the ladies who started Mother’s Day.  Probably if they did not, my kids would have beaten them into starting this revolution of showing gratitude to mothers.

There is no question about it, women are tough.  Throughout history, we’ve been fighting for our rights and our rightful place in the sand. Even the celebration of Mother’s Day could not have been realized without the courage of women.

In 1872, an activist, writer and poet, Julia Ward Howe fought for an official celebration of Mother’s Day in the United States of America.  She lobbied for an International Mother’s Day on which women would unite in opposing war in all its forms.  Women, mothers, we are only for peace and love. Despite her tireless efforts, Mother’s Day celebration was not officially decreed till 1914.

In 1907 Anna Jarvis started a campaign to officially recognize Mother’s Day. Her zeal to honor mothers was borne from her desire to give tribute to her own mother, Ann Maria Reeves Jarvis. Mrs. Jarvis founded Mother’s Day Work Clubs in five cities in West Virginia to improve health and sanitary conditions. These clubs also cared for soldiers, providing them food, clothing, shelter and healing their wounds. Anna succeeded in her efforts and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson officially declared a national day in celebration of Mother’s Day.

However, business opportunist started commercializing the celebration of Mother’s Day.  Instead of a day commemorating mothers’ love and honoring mothers for their tireless and enduring work for their families and communities, it simply became a busy day where people would go out to buy gifts and flowers for mothers.  It became more of a materialistic celebration.  Thus, Anna and her sister Ellsinore campaigned against Mother’s Day.  They spent time and money campaigning against this wrong celebration of Mother’s Day till their death.  Unsuccessful, they died broke. Anna did not marry and never became a mother herself.

Since the inception of Mother’s Day in 1914, this day has been relentlessly expanding. At the time of Anna’s death in 1948 more than 40 countries were celebrating Mother’s Day. This number keeps growing and today there are over 70 countries celebrating Mother’s Day.

My only hope is that people will celebrate Mother’s Day for the true reasons of love and care as envisioned by Anna.  I hope that Mother’s Day will be a celebration of love, hope, strength, courage and wisdom as this is what mothers embody.   

Happy Mother’s Day to all single mothers.  You deserve an accolade!

A Day in the Life of a Single Mom

Are you exhausted? What is your typical day like?  How do you rate your day? Did you have a stressful day in the office and combated traffic to get home? Are you lucky than most single moms because you can work from home? How do you describe a day in the life of a single mom?

A single mom gets up early in the morning; that is, if she ever had any sleep at all.  A single mom doesn’t have help in nursing her baby whose eating and sleeping hours are far from normal.  In my case, I have two kids.  I nurse a baby and need to prepare my eldest for school. I prepare her breakfast, bathe her, get her dressed and ready for school.

When she’s been picked-up by her school bus, I need to hurry with housework – clean the house, take out the garbage and finish the laundry.  While doing all these stuff, I am praying and hoping that my baby will not wake up and allow me to finish these duties.  If I am lucky, he wakes up when I am done and I then feed him and clean him up.  Time flies and I’ve forgotten to eat my breakfast.

No problem, lunch is soon approaching.  I quickly prepared a sandwich for lunch and grabbed quick bites in between checking and answering my emails. Today I am lucky because my son slept longer than usual and I was able to do some work online to keep cash coming for the next week.  How I wish I could work longer to pay off my debts and leave enough money for our basic needs of food, shelter and my kid’s school.  Anyway, today is still a good day as I was able to work undisturbed for four hours.

By three in the afternoon, I heard the sweet yell of my little girl who is back from school, "Mom, I'm home, I'm hungry".  I prepared a quick snack, talked to her about school and helped her with her home work.  She is such a darling as she looked after his baby brother as I prepared our dinner.

After dinner, I bathe my kids and tucked them to bed.  Once sound asleep, I washed the dishes and took a quick shower.  By now it is almost ten in the evening.  Sleepy and exhausted, I forced myself to keep my focus as I need to catch up with my online work to keep cash coming in.

I think I've been working for two hours when my baby cried for milk.  So I had to take a break from work to attend to the hungry pangs of my baby.  This day, I am unusually lucky because my baby slept again after gulping a bottle of milk.  There were nights when he is active and I had to play with him before he decides to go back to sleep.  There were also nights when he just keeps on crying without reason (probably, he is feeling my tensions?). 

Tonight he woke up only once and I was able to keep my mind working for another four hours.  I had to make use of this opportunity because I don’t get lucky every day. It’s now four in the morning.  I think it’s time to energize. I hope I could just shut off my mind and sleep to give my body its much needed rest.  I need to be up by six in the morning for another challenging day.  I hope my day tomorrow will be as lucky as it was today.

Honestly, there is not a day that I am not exhausted.  Sometimes apart from physical exhaustion, I feel sad and lonely. But overall, I love my life.  I love my day because I love my kids.

How about you, what is your typical day?

Pursue Your Dream

Do you have dreams or aspirations?  Well then, stop day dreaming and get into action.  Single mom, you need to pursue your dream. Your situation should not be a hindrance to fulfilling your dream. I know that you did not dream or plan to become a single mom; but since you are now stuck in your present role, take action. Rise up and pursue your dream.

Do not be afraid to dream even bigger dreams now that you are embarking on a new path. Your dream should not be shattered by your present situation.  Stop thinking of your problems and issues; instead, focus on your dream.  

Kick out fear and doubt from your mind. These two major setbacks must be completely eliminated from your system. How?  Start by facing them.  Identify your fears and doubt. What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid of failure? Are you afraid of making another or an even bigger mistake? Do you doubt your capabilities? 

Once you’ve identified your fears and doubts, think of how you can subdue if not totally eliminate them. List down all the things that you are capable of doing.  Think of the things that you are gifted with. What do you love to do?  What do you enjoy doing?  What talents or skills do you posses?  What moves you? What drives you to action? I am very sure that your love for your kids will take the number one position here. You will be amazed at how many you can list down and when you compare this list versus your list of fears and doubts, your fear and doubt will dissipate. You will feel confident and be able to tell yourself that fear and doubt should not have room in your life.  Confidence will be your armor, courage your sword.  As Walt Disney said, “All our dreams will come true if we have the courage to pursue them”.

As long as we have breath, it is never too late to pursue our dream.  It is never too late to chase our dream.  We need to be persistent to reach our goal.

I am sure you’ve watched or at least heard about  the movie, Harry Potter.  The author of Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling, a single mom.  Because of her novel which turned into a blockbuster film, she is now extremely wealthy.  Her story is not an overnight success.  She had her taste of troubles and hardships and experienced the stigma that most single moms go through. She was despised.  “Between 1993 and 1997 I did the job of two parents, qualified and then worked as a secondary school teacher, wrote one and a half novels and did the planning for a further five. For a while, I was clinically depressed. To be told, over and over again, that I was feckless, lazy — even immoral — did not help.”  - J.W. Rowling, “The Single Mother’s Manifesto”.

Amidst the hardship and stigma, J.K. Rowling persisted.  She pursued her dream and reached it.

If she was able to do it, so can you.  Rise above the challenge.  Pursue your dream!

Angry Single Moms

I recently had a chat with one of my ladies.  She is infuriated with her ex-husband and what frustrates her more is when friends do not understand her feelings.  Her friends think that it is wrong for her to tell her ex-husband never to see their son again.  She counters these comments by telling her story.  Her ex-husband is an irresponsible father.  He spent his income entirely on himself –  drugs, women, clothes, gadgets and anything he fancies.  He never gave a dime for their son.  She said that probably she will not slam the door in her ex-husband’s face if he comes with cash or gift for their son.

Well, I perfectly understand how she feels.  Anger is a common emotion with acts of betrayal like dependence on prohibited drugs or womanizing.  In anger, we generalize that men are pigs or that all men cheat.  Some of my ladies even swore that they will never get into a relationship again.  Such phrases and feelings are but just normal.  These statements represent feelings of massive frustration with men.

There are actually no stages of anger but I believe that anger dissipates over time.  I say this because it happened to me.  I believe that time (and as we become more mature in our experience as single mums) will heal. 

How to heal?

It is okay to get mad, to grieve.  Just continue to express yourself and be comfortable with your feelings and with being a single mom.  Your goal is to process your anger, betrayal, mistrust; then slowly teach yourself to trust again. Talk to friends and family who are willing to just listen and make no comments.  If you have the budget, go to a therapist.  You can also read books that tell the stories of single moms who have successfully conquered their anger and have moved on to forgive.

Do not drown yourself with work, alcohol or sex.  Otherwise, you will face more problems than before. Instead, keep yourself occupied by focusing on taking care of your kid and joining single mom groups or other organizations. 

You will get there.  It may take long but you will get there.  Do not listen to comments such as, “it’s been years now, why haven’t you moved on?”  There is no fixed time when you can get over with your anger and frustration.  Each individual has varying degrees of anger and frustration depending on their experiences and healing will require varying amount of time. There is no fixed rule that once you are done and over with your emotions, they will never come back.  There is no black and white rule.  Do not expect anger to disappear totally; that it will not return.  It may happen that you don’t feel angry now but a day or two later, you will feel an intense anger.  One thing is certain though, in time, you will get there.  In time, you will get healed. 

When healed, you can freely talk about the past without feeling the anger.  You are healed when you can face and talk amicably with the person who caused you pain and anger.

When you get to this feeling, it will be one of the best times of your life! When you get to this feeling, you will fully understand this quote “to err is human, to forgive is divine”.